An Eating Binge

Standard

An eating binge can be both exhilarating and horrifying at the same time.
A massive consumption of food can occur after four good hours of dieting.
During an eating binge, there is no fear of choking: I might swallow a whole banana with blobs of peanut butter on it.
There will be no fear of heartburn: I might eat three cold hot dogs, some chicken wings, and pork rinds. Maybe a hunk of Pumpkin pie, then it is done.
The binge is over.
I’m back on my diet.
Everything is cool.

My Roommates The Stinkbugs

Standard

I woke up this morning with a stinkbug in my hair. It farted and left a terrible smell.
I had to get up and shower immediately. I did get to smack it three times with a hammer and then burnt it with my lighter. I enjoyed this.
The nasty creatures have become a menace and are now my roommates.

The other day there was one on the bristles of my toothbrush. I shrieked like I always do when I’m startled and pitched the toothbrush into the un-flushed toilet.
The toothbrush was floating on top of a dookie–the stinkbug, captain of a stinking ship. I’m sure it thought I was attacking it with an out-of-this-world odor.
Oh well, there goes another one down the drain.
I am going to torture the next stinkbug. I tortured roommates before, but that was in college. I may pull a leg off or cover him with preparation H. Stinkbugs watch out: I’ve got insecticide, a hammer, tweezers, and a magnifying glass ready to go.

Ten things that make me nervous

Standard

Ten things that make me nervous

1. Discover my boss is a serial killer
2. Having an eye ball fall out.
3. Accidently brushing teeth with Preparation H
4. Get out of shower and dog thinks my wiener is a chew toy
5. Finding an ant colony at the bottom of my raisin bran.
6. Pulling nose hairs and tweezers get stuck in nostril
7. Being the only one at a grocery store who is naked.
8. Making a blood pressure meter explode.
9. Getting beat up by a group of gay midgets
10.Slipping on the ice and bouncing my head on concrete.

The Blogging Life

Standard

I’m a blogger. Sometime this month I’ll have 1000 views.
I’m a blogger. Six gorgeous young babes liked my story about being a tub o’ lard.
I’m a blogger. I’d rather check my stats than eat a candy bar.
I’m a blogger. I’m certain the whole world wants to read about when I shit my pants in the fifth grade.
I’m a blogger. Not everybody can do this. My brain is razor sharp even after years of soft drug usage and not thinking about very much.

I’m a blogger. If I passed away tomorrow, about all I would leave are my blogs.

Broke With Big Plans

Standard

As a part-time cook, my money hasn’t been rolling in lately.
I’m so broke, I can’t afford the down payment on a pack of matches.
From sitting on it, and it being empty, my wallet is really thin.
At the top of my bank statement in big letters it said, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

Why me? I come from a good family, although compared to them I guess you could say I was retarded. My father graduated from Johns Hopkins, then went on to Princeton and MIT.
I was kicked out of our local community college.
My mother graduated from Hood. I went to culinary school in Baltimore just across the street from the red light district. I learned a lot my first semester.

I don’t want to be poor the rest of my life. I have some investment plans. I’m going rob a 7-11 and use the money to start a stock portfolio. You have to save for your future, and with the money that I have put away, I can retire for one day and six hours.
I’m worried: When you are homeless where do you watch TV?
Things will turn around. I may get full-time work next week, and with the big money rolling in, I’m going on vacation.
Hell yes!

Advice From A Simple Man

Standard

A friend in need is a friend indeed.
I think Ben Franklin must have had friends like I have. When my friends call, they need money, they might want some weed and/or a ride to the emergency room.
True friends, friends for life.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
This Oscar Wilde quote is on point to this day. It is the people you want to go who never leave.

Finally an ancient Chinese proverb:
Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with stinky fingers.
This saying is practical, informative, and timeless. I have gone to sleep with an itchy butt. The trick is to not smell your fingers in the morning.
Take a shower. Get on with your day. Simple words to live by.
Life is simple, I am simple.

Legalizing Marijuana — Working Out the Kinks

Standard

In my expert opinion, there are going to be some obvious problems once all United States citizens will be able to purchase marijuana legally.
First and foremost will be the effect of munchies on the general public. From experimentation, I know that my appetite for junk food goes up exponentially after just one bong hit– I can eat a whole package of Oreo cookies followed by a quart of chocolate milk.
A quick trip to Walmart and you can see that both customers and employees are built like beach balls already. In the course of researching this article, I spoke to only one thin man who stated that he had just arrived here from Haiti. Ultimately, nationwide munchies could put a strain on Obamacare when it starts working.

Short term memory loss could be disastrous. People are going to spend more time looking for their keys, as well as, walking into rooms and forgetting why, and trying to recall the names of friends and family. This is definitely going to affect productivity in this country–a tough blow to an already fragile economy.

Finally, there will be the problem with what we referred to in high school as “loogies.” The disgusting solid phlegm that plagues many marijuana users should not be overlooked. We will need strict regulations on where and when an afflicted citizen can “hock a loogie,” or there will be a considerable slippery mess to deal with.

I am for the legalization of marijuana,
but we must address these potential problems.