Butt Bomb

Standard

When I got in line at the high diving board at the city pool, I realized the other people in line were below the age of six. They did not know that they were going to witness the “butt bomb.”
When I hit the water with my feet slightly forward, there was an explosion of water. I came out of the water, and two boys were staring at me mouths open, like I was the Loch Ness Monster.

After my third dive I had an audience of four clapping and laughing.
One older kid did put a damper on the moment when he yelled, “do another one, grandpa.”

Advertisements

Chippy

Standard

Chippy told me we were going to climb the front fence with green grass in our hands. When the two horses came by to get the grass, we would jump on their backs and ride them.

Chippy climbed the fence and waved the grass at the horses. They headed our way. They came right up to Chippy, and he jumped and was on the horse’s back.

The horse bucked, and Chippy fell right on his head. When he tried to get up the other horse kicked him with his back leg, knocking him down again.
I was laughing, still trying to climb the fence with grass in my hands. Chippy looked up with a forced smile and said, “you are next.”

Camp Granada

Standard

Hello mother, hello father,

I’m writing you from, Camp Granada.

The girls are cute here.

I like the food here.

I am happy, my mood is good here.

Hello mother, Hello father,

I”m missing you from, Camp Granada

I can swim here

I can grin here.

If they ask me to go home I’ll tell them no, dear.

Sex Troubles

Standard

I saw Dr. Pooper last week.
After examining me, he had this dreadful look on his face. He told me my prostate was slightly enlarged. I was shaken, but replied, “It matches my body.”

As I got up to leave he asked, “Have you been having sex troubles?”

I told him I could write the book on sex troubles, starting in the first grade and my crush on Patty Hiney. He said, “Mr. Lebherz, I’m being serious.”

I told him that I could still do it four or five times a night, granted not my normal ten times. He smiled and said, “You must have one hot girlfriend.”
I told him I’m all alone.

Foiled Again!

Standard

My long weekend with my old girlfriend at the Tygart Lake State Park in Grafton, West Virginia, had it’s high points and low points. It was a great accomplishment for me when she told me, “Stop making me laugh or I’m going to wet my pants!”
At six in the evening I suggested we go into the bedroom and “rest up.”
Immediately, she said there would be no hanky-panky on this this trip. She was not happy with her body, and when I laid on top of her she could not breath. I had heard this a hundred times before.

I knew I had to get some alcohol in her. I quickly fixed a quart-sized Rum and Coke, her favorite. She said she knew what I was up to and drank it anyway.
“Get me another one, please,” she said. I raced to the bar and doubled the rum in this one. If she wanted a third I was in like Flint. She practically chugged the second quart. Then, she got up and headed for the bedroom.
The cabin on the lake with deer and raccoons running around was nice, but this was the moment I was waiting for. The door to the bedroom was locked.
This was a low point of the trip. I slept on my rubber raft.
Once again, no booty. Life goes on.

Love and Understanding

Standard

I am slowly understanding myself.
I realize now that I have been self-medicating since I was twelve.
I haven’t been to the dentist in ten years and have had no cavities.
If I eat two hot dogs with chili and sauerkraut, I will need a faster than normal change of underwear. Driving and eating a hot slice of pizza can be fatal.
When it comes to sex, I hold my own.