Body Building


I am going for the sculptured look of a body builder.
I am presently working the Gluteus Maximus muscle. Each day I do at least seventeen GM clenches.
You can do this while you are lying in bed, in the bathtub, or standing on your head.
Simply clench your behind muscles, count to five and release.
This increases blood flow, slows the growth of hair, and moles,
and will give you that sexy look again.

Remember what your tushy looked like when you were sixteen.
Clench you buns, and have some fun.


Me and Dad


My father turned 93 this week.
After we put Mom in the assisted living home, I now live with Dad.
I have learned from my dad how to live to a ripe old age.

As his cook, I can tell you his appetite is quite good. We eat lots of fish.
My skin looks good–he is covered with moles. We eat lots of spinach to keep his thinned blood level correct. He has a fast beating heart. My heart has been broken several times and the nurse at the doctor’s office said she would have to use the large industrial meter to check my blood pressure.
It was high, and I was high.
When people get very old they smell. I can smell good up to three hours after my shower with deodorant and powder. I’m not looking forward to winter. You can only block things out for so long.
I might lose it.

Visiting Aunt Sity


I heard my dad yell up the stairs, “Boys, we’re going to Aunt Sity’s after church.”
I put on my best blue sweater. My Aunt Sity was a real chef–I had seen a picture of her with a chef’s hat on. She would welcome us into her kitchen with kisses on our cheeks and big hugs. She would then start filling the kitchen table with foods like country ham and cheese spread, that would go on a Ritz cracker. It was so good, cheesy and salty.
Home made kinklings, square donuts designed to hold more powdered sugar. I ate one at the table and ate two later when I hid in the broom closet. I was sneaky like that, but Dad did ask why my sweater was covered with sugar.
She served a powerful eggnog. I drank a cup and threw up in her spotless bathroom.
Uncle Joe and Aunt Sity a been eating this good food all their lives, and they were both quite large. Uncle Joe’s back was three feet wide. He could really block your view of the TV. Aunt Sity had big ankles which carried her through a loving life of cooking and taking care of Joe, a railroad worker.

When mass ended and the priest said, “The mass has ended. Go in peace,” my brother and I would smile and reply loudly, “Thanks be to God!”
We knew we were going to Aunt Sity’s.

Poor Mental Health


The amount of sleep you get at night can determine the state of your mental health.  If I get less than four hours sleep, I feel lazy ,depressed, and will have memory loss.  I may get in the car to take the dog to the park, then find out I don’t have the keys and the dog.. I once started crying like a baby when I dropped a Big Mac between the car seat  and the emergency brake. Feeling like a lazy bum always increases my appetite. One way to alleviate depression is to do what comes natural, take a nap.

Sharing the Bathroom


Growing up we had one usable bathroom for a family of seven.
Once I asked my brother why he took so long in the shower:
He said that he was only in the shower for five minutes,
but it took him twenty five minutes to get the water adjusted.

My parents were even skimpy with water.
My mom would put one inch of water in the tub then put my two skinny brothers in the tub.
Then I would get in. My fat body would displace water and the water would be up to our shoulders.
I laughed so hard one time I crapped in the water. My brothers jumped quickly out of the tub while screaming bloody murder. Then my father looked down at me and the smelly evidence floating in front of my face.
Some things will always be in my memory.

Great Expectations


I still expect one day to check my blog stats and see this enormous tower signifying 10,000 views.
It will look like the Empire State building next to my normal two or three views.

I will then be certain of fame and fortune.
I will sell advertising to General Motors or maybe AT&T.
My blog will bring in so much money that I will buy a house in the country.
Hang out with high class women and my dog. Fix my car.
Then trip the light fantastic.