I’ve noticed since the cold weather started
that people are once again staying away from me in large numbers.
I can’t figure it out.
When I am out in public I can see that I am above average-looking.
At Walmart I feel like a tiger in a herd of water buffalo.
I am quiet, semi-well-groomed, very funny at times, and yet people stay away from me in droves.
The one who benefits from this is my dog, Louis the Fourteenth.
He could not get more love.
It doesn’t help my situation that I like to be alone.
“Hey Grandma, this piece of cake tastes awful, and it smells like mothballs.”
I said this with a horrible look on my face, then spit the cake out on my paper plate.
She always called me by my brothers names before she got to mine.
“Don’t eat it! Give it to Butchie.”
I passed it down to her rotund dog Butchie. He ate it in three seconds, then went in on the plush carpet and got violently ill.
“Oh, look what my Butchie did!” She was straining and sweating as she wiped it up,
and she may have broken wind, because when I entered the room, the smell was horrendous.
I left her house without eating anything.
My appetite had vanished, and I was glad I didn’t eat that cake.
These days I am having a hard time getting by on just my good looks.
My dog is loyal to me as long as I keep the snacks flowing.
My old friends resurface like flaming hemorrhoids, always aggravating and rarely fun.
I can see that my future is not going to be nearly as fun or as easy as my past.
I know I don’t have what it takes to end things.
I may even apply for full-time work.
I will carry on.
My main purpose in life is still the same:
try to make love to somebody, try to do my best, nose to the grindstone, yet rarely achieving that.
I’m not looking for the meaning of life. I’m just living.
I woke up this morning feeling as if I may have Ebola virus.
My dog, lying close to me, smelled as if he may have caught it too.
I don’t have a thermometer, but I thought my fever was up.
My dog felt warm and his breath was horrid. This was normal.
My 65 degree room felt like Artic sub-zero weather.
My breath was bad too, but I didn’t see any blood coming from my organs, nose or eyeballs.
I’m going to quarantine back in bed for a couple more hours. This could be a hangover.
My eyeball muscles got another good workout at the gym.
Look, that tall foreign-looking woman has armpit hair.
Oh, that girl with the purple hair has three ear rings in her belly button.
That weird looking man just walked into the ladies locker room.
…and he is coming out fast. I’ll bet his eyeballs got a quick workout too.
I don’t feel like pumping iron today. I’m just going to stand by the water fountain.
Wonder what’s in the vending machines…I think Twinkies are low-carb.
Go for it.