Happy New Year

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She said she was going to get on a step ladder and get some small boxes of Cheerios down, could I help her? She knew we would have to get very close. There is no room in the pantry. She climbed the first step, and I put my hand on the small of her back to steady her.  Our eyes met, and she smiled. She took another step, and my hand slid down to her ample behind.
That’s when she said, “Happy New Year.”

killer arrow

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One cold Christmas my mother gave my brother a professional hunter’s bow and razor-tipped arrows.
He was nine and had never hunted.  I was seven.
I was standing in the snow covered front yard watching Dave try to pull the bow string back, and his first shot went straight up into the air until we couldn’t see it.
Dave dropped the bow and yelled, “Run!”
We ran in circles for several seconds waiting for the arrow to hit us in the head.

The wind was blowing that day and the arrow never came down. Dave said it got stuck in a cloud. 
I really just wanted to go back inside and eat another sweet roll.

Dieting Tips

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More than three Potato chips in your mouth at once is unhealthy.

Do not top chocolate chip cookies with peanut butter.

If you must have gravy, use the ladle, do not pour gravy from bowl.

Feed a cold, feed a fever.

Never eat on an empty stomach, eat something before you eat.

Put down your fork between bites. If you are using your hands, put down your hands.

The Holidays

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I have gone to a party and consumed three pounds of appetizers.

I have drank my glass of wine, and the person’s sitting on either side of me at dinner.

When I feel my pants getting tight I take them off.

I have fallen and knocked over the Christmas tree. (not at my house).

I have thrown up with family and friends watching.

working

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I’m cooking on Christmas.
The new girl is twenty, blond and built like a super model. She is my server.
I’m trying to make her laugh, and when I mashed potatoes, I flexed my biceps.
She was not impressed. She never stopped looking at her cell phone.
How depressing. First I have to work on Christmas, then this young beautiful super model obviously thinks I look like an old elephant.

Santa Claus is Going to Town

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I’m having some drinks. Eating some ribs.

Gone to get buzzed, and visit some cribs.

Santa Claus is going to town.

I’m making a wish, making it twice

I’m going to be naughty and nice.

Santa Claus is going to town.

You will see me if I’m sleeping,

I probably passed out. You will know that

I’ve been bad not good. I had fun, no doubt.

Oh, you better watch out. I might lie. I might have fun till the day I die.

Santa Claus is going to town.