“Stevie do you want to go to Las Vegas . I will pay for everything.” Oh no, my big boned cousin from out west has made me an offer I can’t refuse. There is no telling what might happen when the two of us get plastered. Yes I will go. I was 24, and ready for adventure. My cousin seemed nice even though she worked as a prison guard. I didn’t know what the sleeping arrangements would be but I was not going to sleep in the same bed with her for sure.I am not like that. I loved Las Vegas. We gambled and lost her money, we ate too much and drank too much. What happened in our plush suite in the Stratosphere Tower that night? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I’m not a dare-devil, but when Tony asked me if I wanted to go down the Youghiogheny river on a big raft, I said yes. I knew that his beautiful sister was going. When we all got wasted, my plan was to somehow get into her sleeping bag and maybe cuddle.
First we had to go down this rapid rushing river. The guide gave us instructions. If we fall out of the raft keep your legs up so they don’t smash on a rock. We went over a waterfall, and I shot out of the raft and immediately hit my ankle on a rock, which took my sneaker off my foot. They had one chance to get me back on, but they couldn’t pull me in–I was too fat. I hit a couple more rocks, gulped some water and started to drown.
A woman in a kayak came to my rescue. She let me float and hold on to her boat and got me to the river’s edge. Tony saw me lying on my back and asked if I needed anything. I asked him if his sister could give me mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Things I learned on the internet that eased my mind.
1 The bad smell in my belly button is caused by bacteria.
2 A normal human can pass gas 10 to 14 times a day.
3 No french kissing if you have Ebola Virus
4 People who use alcohol and drugs are more likely to make
I don’t go out much but tonight I’m going to get messed up and walk into a bar. I’m a good looking man, which can work against you, and nobody has my back. Most of my old party buddies are dead, or they had to leave town. I told two women the last time I went out that I won’t fight men any more but I’ll take on two woman. The bars in this town you have to be ready for combat. I can’t imagine getting in a fight at my age. 6 shots of bourbon and I’ll fight Godzilla.
I went hiking with this older hippie chick. She had hair down to her waist and when she let her hair down she resembled cousin it on The Addams Family. She didn’t have any shoes on and intended to walk barefoot. I’m getting less picky but something tells this woman might be a little too goo-goo.
If you are going to act like a flower child that’s fine but don’t complain when I start acting like act like Tarzan and swing on a vine from tree to tree. If she gets near the creek I will splash her and try and get her shirt wet. Wow she has a nice body. She is pissed though, I better get her a towel.
Teacher: What does the chicken give you?
Teacher: Correct very good, and what does the pig give you?
Teacher: Correct, And what does the fat cow give you?
Mrs. Boyer was our creepy old bus driver. She drove too fast and was always watching me in her big rear view mirror. She said I was a troublemaker.
The public school kids wanted to fight me because I went to private Catholic school, and wore blue pants, blue tie, and a white shirt. I was also short and fat.
One day, the biggest girl on the bus smacked me from behind. She then started choking me. Mrs. Boyer stopped the bus and got her off of me. I got even when I threw up on the girl. I had eaten a pizza burger for lunch and she was a mess.