Too much rain

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If it doesn’t stop raining I am going to build an arc like Noah. I won’t be able to catch two of every species but I can grab a couple squirrels, a couple rabbits, and my dog. I’ll call my old girlfriend, she can’t swim. She might like to spend some time with me rather than perish in the deep water. I think we are too old to repopulate mankind, but after a long voyage watching rabbits she might want to get cozy. I will bring plenty of food including a large bag of potato chips, and some frozen burritos. We will need hot food so I will bring my microwave. When the waters recede I hope we end up in Monte Carlo, not Cleveland.

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big splash

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Woosh, when my fat body hits the water there is an explosion. When I surface there is always some kid shaking his head, or laughing. Maybe it is the size of my butt, or the shape of my body, I can really make a big splash. I am going broke, My future doesn’t look rosy, but nobody can make a splash like I do.

Special Lips

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This party sucks. Everybody is making out on the couch, and I am standing here, empty-handed. Look at John and Debra–John’s arm is moving around under that blanket. I asked him later what he was doing, and he said he just grabbed anything and squeezed it.
I’ve been kissing girls since I was very young–last year. French kissing is fun, but I don’t like all the slobber exchange. If a girl sticks her tongue back into my throat, I will gag and throw up. For real. One girl said my lips made her heart pound like a bass drum.
It is good to realize so young that my lips are special.

Red Sports Car

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From the angle of her sunglasses I can tell the woman in front of me, in the red sports car, is looking at me.  I’ll suck in my cheeks, and give her my handsomest look.  Now she is twirling her hair with her finger.  She must like what she is seeing.  I’m pulling up beside her.  Shit, It’s a man.  He is smiling and waving.  You better behave, you ugly pervert.

Dear Higher Power

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Dear higher power please make everything go right in the next six months. In return I will be kind even to people who are really stupid. I will double my donations to charity, last year it was $7.00. My worse cuss word will be darn,and I will never use the F word unless I have a bodily injury.
Help me higher power, please

Bucket list

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1 Star in x rated movie
2 Sail to Tahiti with all girl crew
3 Have relationship with hippopotamus
4 Write blog that changes mankind
5 Go to nudist camp with underwear on
6 Get e-mail from Jesus
7 Ask Bill Gates to lend me 1 million dollars
8 Fall hopelessly in love with myself

The UFO

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My brother and I were riding our bikes on a hot summer day. We were coming up our lane when we both saw a bright green object in the sky. It flew across the sky and went down over Gambrill mountain. I looked at Dave and his mouth was hanging open like mine. “Was that a UFO with aliens?” I yelled.
He said, “Let’s go tell Mom and Dad.”
Mom had seen it too, and when we found her, she was making Dad get in the car to follow it. So we piled in and headed for Gambrill mountain. I wished I had brought my BB gun, because the aliens might try to abduct us. I once hit a cat with my BB gun–the BB bounced off, but that cat was hurting. We got to the top of Gambrill mountain expecting to at least see a big fire but there was nothing.
We found out later that a huge asteroid had dropped into the Hudson Bay near New York City. I’m glad that it wasn’t a space ship. I might’ve pooped my pants right in Dad’s car.