The Freshman Fifteen

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To live like I lived my first year at the University of Maryland would kill most people.
My morning regimen of bong hits was followed by brunch at the dining hall. This meal might consist of three cheeseburgers, french fries with cheese sauce, lots of catsup, assorted desserts, and a stacked sandwich that had everything a fat guy loves.
After brunch, more bong hits and beers. My belly grew so fast that, to my horror, I looked in the mirror one day and saw a mess of squiggly lines closing in on my belly button. For six months I thought I had developed stage four stomach cancer. Finally, a doctor told me they were stretch marks. Six months of worry and overeating had turned me into a fat basket case. They say the Freshman Fifty is the new Fifteen–I was ahead of my time.

Nearly forty years have gone by and my lifestyle has only changed a little for the better. I have never wanted to grow up or to grow old, and I may achieve both goals.

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