To The Player Who Could Dribble With His Belly


The awards banquet was special that year.  I was a shoo-in for a trophy.  I had a great year for the Saint John’s Saints sixth grade basketball team.  I could shoot, dribble. and pass. I could do this even though I was a fat kid.

My buddy Chris said, “Look, everybody,” and he took a whole cupcake and put it in his mouth.  Three seconds later he opened his mouth and it was gone.  We were astonished.  My friend Tommy took the lid off another cupcake, put a bunch of pepper on it, and put the lid back on.  He gave it to Chris and said, “Do it again.”  The cupcake went in his big mouth, and he got a strained look on his face.  He choked and cupcake came out of his nose. We nicknamed him “cupcake” after that.

My coach was at the podium.  He said that this trophy is awarded to the player who could dribble the ball with his belly and make a basket with his pants down.  Both of these situations had occurred that season while I handled the ball. The applause and laughter was quite loud.  I was beaming with pride as I walked up to claim my trophy.


A Prospective Father


When people wish me happy fathers day, it makes me slightly sad. Fifty-eight years old, I have never been blessed with children.

I am proud that in my lifetime I have slept with over three women, and only one of them was a prostitute. I have had thousands of orgasms. This is why my right arm is much stronger than my left.

I would have appreciated the love my kids would have given me.  I may still try to get a child although my girlfriend is not in agreement.  I may travel to the Orient to arrange the adoption of a kid.  Maybe one that is a little older, who could get a job and support me and prepare our family meals.  I have always loved Chinese food, so it could be a good fit.