Wild Irish Rose


She is Irish, a beauty with red hair.  I say, “You are the prettiest flower in this garden,” as I look around the clinic with 20 more women milling about.

“Thank you, that was nice.”

Last week she told me that she was going through a nasty separation.  I think she might be rich. I have a girlfriend, but I always keep my options open.  I am not the man I once was, but I am as good once as I ever was.


Love and Marriage


We are not yet married but she has already assumed the role of one who must be obeyed.  I cringe when she talks of pain in her back and my world spirals down like a Netflix horror movie.  As we lie in bed, the sheets move and bad smells happen.  She does sometimes say excuse me in a creepy voice. 

We speak.  She says, “the dog is peeing on the coat you left on the floor. You are a slob.”

We are looking forward to marriage.

Garden Warfare


I do love you, I know I’m not that great at showing it sometimes.

—–> If you love me, why did you run over my lilies with the tractor?  Why did you make a giant pile of leaves in the middle of the back yard?  I told you not to.

I’m sorry. I have apologized ten times. Those were awful mistakes I made.  One bad turn with the tractor and two lilies got smashed in an instant.  There was no place else to put the leaves.  Two dreadful mistakes which happened two months ago.  You need to forgive and forget.  I am not perfect.  You are very important to me.  Please don’t leave.  I need you.

Love and Heartburn


Life can be challenging. My doctor told me I have something called GERD. I must stop drinking alcohol.  Fried foods and chocolate are a no-no. These were my favorite things in the world next to marijuana. I told this to my girlfriend. I think she blocks out most of what I say–she suggested we go get a drink.  I tell myself one bourbon won’t hurt. The fried cheese balls she orders are only inches from my reach. I eat a few. On the way home she breaks off a corner of a Hershey bar and says, “go ahead it’s only a little piece.”  Later the burping brings acid from my stomach into my esophagus.  The heartburn pain is unbearable. Tums don’t work at all. I have learned my lesson. No more alcohol, chocolate or Fried foods. Most important avoid my girlfriend whenever possible or suffer in pain and agony…

Spread Cheer


Elevator! Elevator! We got the shaft!  The cheerleaders are doing a bang up job tonight.  My prom date is co-captain. Her blond hair bobs into the air as she drops down to do a split.  Her bouncing skirt revealing for a split second something that I would never get.  My life is like that. You can’t always get what you want. I couldn’t get what I really needed.

Here a Nip, There a Tuck


Since I am always in the doghouse with my girlfriend, I would like to find a plastic surgeon to marry.  A nip here, a tuck there, I could look twenty years younger. Then a kidney transplant, and replace other organs that  have taken a beating. I’ll be good as new and ready for sex, drugs, and rock and roll.