Fuzzy Thinking

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Dialysis today so I have fuzzy thinking.  My pot is called Green Crack–it also causes fuzzy thinking.  Last night I cracked and got in line at Wendy’s at 11 pm.  Two burgers and large fry then home to bed.  Winter is a struggle.  My addictions take over.  Strangely, I am happy.

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Do You Want Me?

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In a good mood, I gave Nurse Mary the thumbs up.  She got a mean look on her face and gave me the finger.  Dewayne in the chair next to me saw this and told me she was signaling that I was number one.  This is the third finger she has given me.  She once told me she was on her third divorce.  That all men are assholes.

I’m still going to keep a positive outlook on this.  I think she may want me.  I lost over two pounds last month and this is going to spur me on to perfect my body.  When she finally succumbs to my charms, she will be impressed.

Heartbreak and Heartburn

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I didn’t think he was listening.  He asked how I lost all the weight.  I told him I had a bad break up with my live-in girlfriend.  I had constant gas pains and heartburn if I ate more than half a sandwich.  I stopped eating at the Burger King just down the hill.  I had conquered the munchies with fruit.  He said, no, I mean what diet were you on.  I told him I was on the get depressed and develop stomach troubles diet.  He said he had lost 30 pounds on Atkins once.  He now looked like a tub of lard.

Don’t Take My Joy

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I follow a very restrictive kidney diet–for about two days.  That’s about how long I have ever lasted on a diet.  When I get really hungry you might find me in line at Subway ordering double meat, double cheese on a foot long roll.  All the vegetables, mayo and red pepper relish.

I eat this heavy meal very quickly.  I enjoy this short time period.  Call me a pig–I don’t care.  Do not take the joy out of my life.  I will fight back.

Do You Love Yourself?

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The weight loss instructor looked straight at me in the group of about nine big fat women. “Stephen do you love yourself?”

They were all waiting for a goofy reply.  I looked up with sadness in my eyes and said I did love myself, sometimes late at night.  Then I rolled my eyes and looked guilty.  This got a good laugh. We lost no weight Easter week.

Surviving Life

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The needles are turning my once perfect arm into a freakish, deformed, bumpy scar.  The constant increased blood flow to that part of my body is hurting blood flow to my brain and other important organs.  After a treatment my thinking is fuzzy.  Then a puff of the medicinal and I don’t care anymore until morning.

Your Purpose in Life

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Doctor, sometimes I just want to go ahead and kick the bucket.  I have no purpose.  I don’t even feel like making whoopee anymore, not with my girlfriend anyway.

Stephen, you are too much.  You are eating too much.  And not exercising too much.  Your purpose in life for at least the next two years is to get in shape for your kidney transplant.  Sure, the last two years have been tough, and you have to be tougher.  Get in shape.  Take your meds.  Fight for your life. 

Thank you, Doctor, how much do I owe you?  Somebody call 911– I’m having a heart attack.