Why The Long Face?

In the last six months I have suffered some serious health issues and my life has changed dramatically.  Now my favorite cocktail is a vodka and Miralax. Two of these concoctions and I’m right where I want to be–in the bathroom.

My diet has changed too. I am now low carb, low protein, and low flavor.  For dinner last night I had roast celery.  I splurged for dessert and had a teaspoon of probiotic yogurt with a hint of agave necter on top.

Dr. B. M. Smoothy turned my life around when I was backed up for ten days.  The end result was explosive.  It let me know that when life gets stinky, you need a good doctor. God bless this doctor, his nurses and a receptionist.

Stick Me

Tired black men and senior citizens in wheelchairs all looking very drained.   These are my Dialysis clinic buddies.

“Mr. Lebherz, I’m going to stick you today.”  The technician is ready to go. She pushes two needles into my arm.  They are the size of small nails with tubes attached.  The cleaning process has started.  I sit for the next four hours.  Four hours of reading, television, and looking around the room at my buddies who look like they are ready to pass out or kick the bucket.

Take care of your kidneys.

How’s the writing going?

My niece/web editor asks me almost everyday, how’s the writing going, got anything good to post?

But, I haven’t felt like writing lately–I sit and stare at my pens and tablets, and then I go see what my new roommate is up to.

From going vegetarian, I’ve lost so much weight that my scale doesn’t know what to say.  When I step on, it used to tell me “One at a time, please,” but now it asks, “Stephen?  Is that you?”  I never thought I would miss its fat jokes.

What do you do to keep writing when you don’t feel like you have anything good to say?  How do you get back into writing when you’ve gotten out of your routine?

Taboo

A priest says to the rabbi, “You don’t eat bacon?”
The rabbi says, “No, it’s against my religion.”

The rabbi says to the priest, “You don’t make love to women?”
The priest says, “No, that is against my religion.”

The rabbi says, “You should try it– it’s better than bacon.”

What Did You Eat Yesterday?

“Hey Mom, I’m not going to school today,” I announced.

“Oh… you’re not?  What is the matter?” she asked.

“Last night I threw up all over the toilet. I got some on my shirt.”

I showed her the stain on my shirt, which was really chocolate milk.

“Well what did you eat yesterday?” she asked.

I ate two big bowls of Lucky Charms.  I ate my school lunch and Tommy Smith’s lunch because he wasn’t hungry.  A couple people in the cafeteria gave me their cake.  After school I had Pop Tarts at Grandma’s with ice cream.  Then we had dinner–ham, green beans, potatoes, bread.  For a bedtime snack, I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

My mom said she was going to put me on a diet.  She said I should get upstairs, wipe off the toilet, and get ready for school.

The Freshman Fifteen

To live like I lived my first year at the University of Maryland would kill most people.
My morning regimen of bong hits was followed by brunch at the dining hall. This meal might consist of three cheeseburgers, french fries with cheese sauce, lots of catsup, assorted desserts, and a stacked sandwich that had everything a fat guy loves.
After brunch, more bong hits and beers. My belly grew so fast that, to my horror, I looked in the mirror one day and saw a mess of squiggly lines closing in on my belly button. For six months I thought I had developed stage four stomach cancer. Finally, a doctor told me they were stretch marks. Six months of worry and overeating had turned me into a fat basket case. They say the Freshman Fifty is the new Fifteen–I was ahead of my time.

Nearly forty years have gone by and my lifestyle has only changed a little for the better. I have never wanted to grow up or to grow old, and I may achieve both goals.

Target Practice

The NRA gun instructor said, “You missed the target twenty times straight.”

Dad wanted me and my brother to learn to shoot a rifle. I think when I stared at the target I went cross-eyed. The instructor showed my dad the target with no holes in it.
This was another disappointment for my dad. It ranked right up there with getting beat up in school by a girl, noisily crapping my pants in church, and continuing to gain weight after he and Mom put me on a strict diet.

Stress test

My doctor didn’t tell me that my stress test would be stressful. It was partly my fault because my loose shorts kept falling down. This hindered my stride, with one hand holding my shorts up. First the nurse, who looked like a boxer, shaved my chest with a razor that pulled out more hair then it shaved. Then, with many wires attached, she told me to get on the treadmill.
I think she was trying to break me down. She had the treadmill on its highest incline. I was running and sucking air through my eyes, my ears, my mouth and my nose. I was getting ready to collapse and fall, possibly tearing off all my wires and sliding back, a heap on the floor. “That’s it. You’re done,” she said.
My heart passed the test, my heart that has been broken so many times

Too much rain

If it doesn’t stop raining I am going to build an arc like Noah. I won’t be able to catch two of every species but I can grab a couple squirrels, a couple rabbits, and my dog. I’ll call my old girlfriend, she can’t swim. She might like to spend some time with me rather than perish in the deep water. I think we are too old to repopulate mankind, but after a long voyage watching rabbits she might want to get cozy. I will bring plenty of food including a large bag of potato chips, and some frozen burritos. We will need hot food so I will bring my microwave. When the waters recede I hope we end up in Monte Carlo, not Cleveland.

Bucket list

1 Star in x rated movie
2 Sail to Tahiti with all girl crew
3 Have relationship with hippopotamus
4 Write blog that changes mankind
5 Go to nudist camp with underwear on
6 Get e-mail from Jesus
7 Ask Bill Gates to lend me 1 million dollars
8 Fall hopelessly in love with myself