My Only Friend, The End

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In April I will turn 60. Hell, I am still waiting for puberty to wrap up. I have loved–it was mostly for animals–humans and dogs.  When I was younger I smelled fresher, but now PU.

If my health insurance gets canceled that’s it.  I am going to take 40 Ambien, sixteen shots of Tequila, eat 1 lb of bad sushi, then eat two whole Dominos large pizzas with extra cheese and four toppings.  If that doesn’t kill me nothing will. I just hope I don’t wake up from that.

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Ode to My Brother’s Retirement

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Bob, your job is done.

Time to relax, have some fun!

 

Try to be young, young at heart.

Try to forget: you are an old fart.

 

The bills will be due.

The tax man is lurking.

No worries–Marybeth is still working

 

Why work? What’s the point?

If it was me, I would smoke a joint.

 

Try to relax!

You and wifey can talk…

until she says, Bob please take a long walk.

 

Don’t get old, heavens above!

Stay the same:

The man we all love.

Life Goes On, Thank God

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Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I go into a room with 32 recliners.  The people in these chairs are missing feet and legs, and some are missing their minds.  Some are old and near death.  You sit, a technician sticks inch long needles in a surgery enhanced vein in your arm.  A machine runs all the blood in your body seven times through a man-made kidney.  After four hours you can go home, dizzy, drained, and thinking fuzzy until the next morning. You have to accept this.  Some people give up and stop treatments.  They will die within weeks.  I thought life would be unbearable.  I am actually happier now than before dialysis.  I enjoy the small things in life more. Sunshine, my dogs’ wagging tails, my girlfriend’s laughter, a couple strong drinks, good music…the list goes on.  Life goes on, thank God.

Eat More Fruit

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Excruciating pain in my buttocks for three days.  The large Jamaican nurse says she is going to mix a pint of molasses and a pint of warm milk.  Insert a plastic tube into my tush and fill it with this mixture.  Life is really getting tough.  Why did that little tube feel so big?  Why did she leave the room?  I had been in serious pain for eight hours, so she could’ve said she was going to stick a vacuum cleaner in my butt and I would have agreed.  Shortly after she left, I was ready to explode all over that hospital bed.  I hit the call button 25 times then screamed, “Nurse, help!”

It took all the strength in my butt cheeks to hold back the explosion.  She popped back in the room.  Took a long time to put gloves on.  Pulled the tube out.  I ran down the hallway half-naked and barefoot.  It was one of the top five bowel movements of my life time. The noise alone was scary.  The pain was finally gone.  I thanked my nurse as if she had saved my life.  I am going to now eat more fruits and vegetables.

Louie and Daisy

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I used to have to keep a close eye on my dog, Louie.  Whenever he got out without his leash on, he’d run out of sight and wouldn’t come back.  I’d have to grab some treats and drive after him, and there’s something I hate about driving at a crawl down the street yelling “Louuuuuuie” over and over.

Then my new roommate moved in with her dog Daisy. Since Daisy moved in, I don’t have to worry about Louie straying too far from home anymore.  He stays right by her side.

It’s good to know that the roommate situation has worked out for the both of us.

She is coming

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She has agreed to move in with me. I am going to clean my house, and brush my teeth regularly. She drinks white wine. I may pick up ten bottles. She does not like marijuana. I am quitting next week. She could be after my money. I don’t have any. She says that she loves me. I don’t know if that is true, but it is sure nice to hear.

marriage

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I am an old bachelor. I have never said the words, will you marry me. My health has taken a turn for the worse with failing kidneys. I am lonely like never before. A girlfriend from my past happened to call and I told her of my situation. She drove eight hours, and stayed with me for the week of my surgery. Her kindness, and the sad feeling I felt after she left has me ready to pop the question. I am ready to get down on my good knee and say, will you marry me?