Too much rain

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If it doesn’t stop raining I am going to build an arc like Noah. I won’t be able to catch two of every species but I can grab a couple squirrels, a couple rabbits, and my dog. I’ll call my old girlfriend, she can’t swim. She might like to spend some time with me rather than perish in the deep water. I think we are too old to repopulate mankind, but after a long voyage watching rabbits she might want to get cozy. I will bring plenty of food including a large bag of potato chips, and some frozen burritos. We will need hot food so I will bring my microwave. When the waters recede I hope we end up in Monte Carlo, not Cleveland.

What do you do?

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What do you do when you are given some drastic health news.
1 You go a little nutty for a few days. I went a whole day not realizing my shorts were on backwards.
2 You feel angry that you did not follow doctor’s orders for fifteen years.
3 You start being nice to people. I even started a conversation with a big fat women on the treadmill next to me at the gym. Strangers always like me better than people that know me.
4 You realize everyday is a gift. Sadness, fear,anger, no sex, sobriety, these are things to leave in the past.

Hey Grandma Ruth

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Hey grandma I am going to eat some pop tarts. Grandma was at her card table playing solitaire. The Yankee game was on the radio, grandma was from Manhattan, New York. She is Jewish and knows what I like to eat everyday when I come over from our house. Her furniture is covered with thick clear plastic covers. Do you want me to give Butchie a cold hot dog? I gave him one . I think Grandma is sleeping. . Butchie’s belly drags on the ground from all he gets fed. Butchie and I are really getting fat , and we both like cold hot dogs. Butchie and I are really enjoying ourselves as Grandma is snoring. I would go sit with Grandma but sitting on that plastic makes my butt get hot. Bye Grandma.

Worried about kicking the bucket

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Ready for a relaxing Sunday, my brother called to say Dad’s going to to the emergency room because his digestion isn’t working right. That’s when I realized that I had fixed him his favorite salmon dinner just two nights earlier. He had consumed enough for three people. He also mentioned that night that he was taking extra mineral oils for his digestion. I don’t always listen closely to his comments like that at the dinner table. When he ended up at the hospital I knew this could be information which the team of crack nurses and doctors at the emergency room would need to know. I grabbed the dog and headed in town. He will be ninety-four in September. Just like the rest of us, he is afraid of kicking the bucket. It all came out OK in the end. When you help someone it makes you feel good sometimes.

the cow

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“Hey Wally, we put some angel dust in your bong hit,” they said. They were laughing, even though I was driving, and freaking out. Everything had turned into a movie. Nothing really bothered me, but I did ask, “What the hell is angel dust?”
That’s when I ran into the cow. There was a sudden stop. Nobody had seat belts on, and everybody changed their positions very quickly. We left the scene of the crime as fast as possible. Nobody was hurt. The cow was history.

Hey Mom

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Hey mom help me! I was feeding rotten apples to the neighbors horses, and when I turned the horse bit my cheek. I cried the whole way back to the house. Mom heard me from the kitchen window, and came outside to help me. I told mom the horse thought my cheek was an apple, and it bit me. I had to punch it in the eyeball to let me go.  My mom said, there was teeth marks in my cheek, but no blood. We rushed inside and mom gave me a bag of ice to put on it. She fixed me a fudge brownie with Ice cream, and I felt much better.