Elevator! Elevator! We got the shaft! The cheerleaders are doing a bang up job tonight. My prom date is co-captain. Her blond hair bobs into the air as she drops down to do a split. Her bouncing skirt revealing for a split second something that I would never get. My life is like that. You can’t always get what you want. I couldn’t get what I really needed.
She liked to drink. She was a laugher. I liked her hair. We talked for hours. I walked her home. She was staying at the shelter for abused women. We kissed.
She has agreed to move in with me. I am going to clean my house, and brush my teeth regularly. She drinks white wine. I may pick up ten bottles. She does not like marijuana. I am quitting next week. She could be after my money. I don’t have any. She says that she loves me. I don’t know if that is true, but it is sure nice to hear.
I am an old bachelor. I have never said the words, will you marry me. My health has taken a turn for the worse with failing kidneys. I am lonely like never before. A girlfriend from my past happened to call and I told her of my situation. She drove eight hours, and stayed with me for the week of my surgery. Her kindness, and the sad feeling I felt after she left has me ready to pop the question. I am ready to get down on my good knee and say, will you marry me?
Woosh, when my fat body hits the water there is an explosion. When I surface there is always some kid shaking his head, or laughing. Maybe it is the size of my butt, or the shape of my body, I can really make a big splash. I am going broke, My future doesn’t look rosy, but nobody can make a splash like I do.
From the angle of her sunglasses I can tell the woman in front of me, in the red sports car, is looking at me. I’ll suck in my cheeks, and give her my handsomest look. Now she is twirling her hair with her finger. She must like what she is seeing. I’m pulling up beside her. Shit, It’s a man. He is smiling and waving. You better behave, you ugly pervert.
Dear higher power please make everything go right in the next six months. In return I will be kind even to people who are really stupid. I will double my donations to charity, last year it was $7.00. My worse cuss word will be darn,and I will never use the F word unless I have a bodily injury.
Help me higher power, please