She is coming

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She has agreed to move in with me. I am going to clean my house, and brush my teeth regularly. She drinks white wine. I may pick up ten bottles. She does not like marijuana. I am quitting next week. She could be after my money. I don’t have any. She says that she loves me. I don’t know if that is true, but it is sure nice to hear.

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Red Sports Car

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From the angle of her sunglasses I can tell the woman in front of me, in the red sports car, is looking at me.  I’ll suck in my cheeks, and give her my handsomest look.  Now she is twirling her hair with her finger.  She must like what she is seeing.  I’m pulling up beside her.  Shit, It’s a man.  He is smiling and waving.  You better behave, you ugly pervert.

Bucket list

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1 Star in x rated movie
2 Sail to Tahiti with all girl crew
3 Have relationship with hippopotamus
4 Write blog that changes mankind
5 Go to nudist camp with underwear on
6 Get e-mail from Jesus
7 Ask Bill Gates to lend me 1 million dollars
8 Fall hopelessly in love with myself

Not my glory days

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Hugging and talking to my dog isn’t cutting it anymore. I have to get out there and meet some human beings. I would like to meet someone with similar interests. Eating and breathing are my big interests–I don’t drink much anymore. O ccasionally I will have a vodka and Metamucil. I would like to meet someone who enjoys peace and quiet. I might hang out at the library.

I loved Las Vegas

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“Stevie do you want to go to Las Vegas . I will pay for everything.” Oh no, my big boned cousin from out west has made me an offer I can’t refuse. There is no telling what might happen when the two of us get plastered. Yes I will go. I was 24, and ready for adventure. My cousin seemed nice even though she worked as a prison guard. I didn’t know what the sleeping arrangements would be but I was not going to sleep in the same bed with her for sure.I am not like that. I loved Las Vegas. We gambled and lost her money, we ate too much and drank too much. What happened in our plush suite in the Stratosphere Tower that night? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

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I went hiking with this older hippie chick. She had hair down to her waist and when she let her hair down she resembled cousin it on The Addams Family. She didn’t have any shoes on and intended to walk barefoot. I’m getting less picky but something tells this woman might be a little too goo-goo.

If you are going to act like a flower child that’s fine but don’t complain when I start acting like act like Tarzan and swing on a vine from tree to tree. If she gets near the creek I will splash her and try and get her shirt wet. Wow she has a nice body. She is pissed though, I better get her a towel.

some guys

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Life is not fair. Some guys become porno stars. I don’t like to see myself naked in the mirror. Some womanizers go through hundreds of women in their lifetimes. My last date three months ago, the woman was so gruesome looking she scared our waitress.
Women know what I want right away. A big sandwich and a order of french fries. On one date I announced loudly, “I love you.” My date thought I was talking to her–I was talking to my cheeseburger.