For the last seven years, my partner in bed has been my dog, Louie. I put up with his horrendous breath, and he puts up with my snoring. He sleeps with his rear end pushed against mine, and we both emit loudly upon awakening, which warms us on cold mornings. My girlfriend won’t sleep in the same room with me. My dog is there every night. If I pet him a couple times, he will lick himself for nearly an hour. I have to smack him and tell him to stop it…but, I have unconditional love for Louie. I like my girlfriend too.
I used to have to keep a close eye on my dog, Louie. Whenever he got out without his leash on, he’d run out of sight and wouldn’t come back. I’d have to grab some treats and drive after him, and there’s something I hate about driving at a crawl down the street yelling “Louuuuuuie” over and over.
Then my new roommate moved in with her dog Daisy. Since Daisy moved in, I don’t have to worry about Louie straying too far from home anymore. He stays right by her side.
It’s good to know that the roommate situation has worked out for the both of us.
My dog, Louie, was on his third bowel movement at the park. A woman was watching us, so I got behind Louie and blocked her view, giving Louie some privacy. But, there was just a small fart and no dookie– a kind of misfire much like when I go.
“Aren’t you going to pick it up?” yelled the lady from one hundred feet away.
I walked towards my car, and she yelled again, “Pick it up, you jerk! You ruin the park for the rest of us.”
When I was younger, I would get angry and insult the wrong people, lost good jobs, and got in all sorts of trouble. I looked at that lady and yelled,
“Fuck you, you old hag, mind your own business.”
Somehow, I briefly felt younger. She said she was calling the police, and I yelled,
“I don’t care if you call Obama.”
I got in my car and backed up as she walked towards my car, writing down my tag number. It flashed through my mind to back the car up over her. But, that sort of behavior is way behind me.
I am a wise old man now, so I drove forward and headed home.
She has agreed to move in with me. I am going to clean my house, and brush my teeth regularly. She drinks white wine. I may pick up ten bottles. She does not like marijuana. I am quitting next week. She could be after my money. I don’t have any. She says that she loves me. I don’t know if that is true, but it is sure nice to hear.
If it doesn’t stop raining I am going to build an arc like Noah. I won’t be able to catch two of every species but I can grab a couple squirrels, a couple rabbits, and my dog. I’ll call my old girlfriend, she can’t swim. She might like to spend some time with me rather than perish in the deep water. I think we are too old to repopulate mankind, but after a long voyage watching rabbits she might want to get cozy. I will bring plenty of food including a large bag of potato chips, and some frozen burritos. We will need hot food so I will bring my microwave. When the waters recede I hope we end up in Monte Carlo, not Cleveland.
I went hiking with this older hippie chick. She had hair down to her waist and when she let her hair down she resembled cousin it on The Addams Family. She didn’t have any shoes on and intended to walk barefoot. I’m getting less picky but something tells this woman might be a little too goo-goo.
If you are going to act like a flower child that’s fine but don’t complain when I start acting like act like Tarzan and swing on a vine from tree to tree. If she gets near the creek I will splash her and try and get her shirt wet. Wow she has a nice body. She is pissed though, I better get her a towel.
Damn the torpedoes! I threw caution to the wind today and bought a used 2008 Jetta. They took my car with the check engine light on and the list of repairs, quite numerous. They gave me 250 dollars for it. I gave them 4000 dollars. Signed my name fifteen times, and drove off in a real nice car. I hope the information I gave them was correct, because he said I had a good credit score. I’m going to send a payment to all my credit cards this month with a thank you note. This is the type of car that really attracts women. When babes see me and Louie, my dog, riding around, they will know we are out for a joy ride.