To cut down on protein, and because my doctor advised me to, I have been a vegetarian for six days. Last night I had a nightmare that I was being attacked by a giant wiener with mustard on it. I have eaten so much cabbage the toenail on my pinky has turned green. Mocking people who ate things like tofu, and bean curd, I actually tried some tofu bologna. That must be what they eat on the planet Uranus. Every time I burped I could taste it again. My cravings for meat are getting so bad I might go outside and eat a squirrel, or a toad.
Five easy ways to quickly lose ten pounds.
1 Staple your lips shut
2 Only eat while standing on your head
3 Look at yourself naked then throw up
4 Swim across the English Channel
5 Chew everything but never swallow.
Hey grandma I am going to eat some pop tarts. Grandma was at her card table playing solitaire. The Yankee game was on the radio, grandma was from Manhattan, New York. She is Jewish and knows what I like to eat everyday when I come over from our house. Her furniture is covered with thick clear plastic covers. Do you want me to give Butchie a cold hot dog? I gave him one . I think Grandma is sleeping. . Butchie’s belly drags on the ground from all he gets fed. Butchie and I are really getting fat , and we both like cold hot dogs. Butchie and I are really enjoying ourselves as Grandma is snoring. I would go sit with Grandma but sitting on that plastic makes my butt get hot. Bye Grandma.
There is a stoop shouldered man painting my pump house. He looks old, although he is the same age as me. He could really play basketball back in high school, and, by all accounts a handsome young man, but with an attitude problem. We called him Showboat, and in those days I was proud that he was my friend. He was a star on the basketball team. His attitude hurt his career, and some might say hurt his life. He did a great job on my pump house, which is white, with hunter green trimming. It hasn’t looked this good in fifty years. I told boat he did a great job. I paid him, and dropped him off at the liquor store, he was happy as tickled baby.
After five days going low-carb, I so craved bread I broke down and pulled into a Subway. I was eyeballing a rack of fresh baked sub rolls when the teenage sub maker asked me if I wanted double-meat. I said I wanted double sub roll. He said that was not an option because he couldn’t ring double sub roll into the register. With a crazed look in my eyes I handed him three dollars, and he handed me the roll. I ate it quickly while he worked on my sub. He mentioned to his co-worker to keep the fresh bread rack away from me, and then he snickered. When he handed me the sub he said the way I ate the sub roll I would really like the completed sub. He was a young smart ass.
Local chef and pot consumer has lost fifty-two pounds using the illegal substance to aide in diet and exercise.
BBC: Chef how did you lose weight using pot?
CHEF: Using hypnosis I conquered the munchies, after this the pounds came right off.
BBC: Chef you did have to exercise?
CHEF: Yes , It was four months ago that I did some bong hits and went to the gym. I found myself running on a treadmill nearly five times the distance than the day before totally sober. When I am totally sober I don’t go to the gym.
BBC: Chef, you make it sound like this was easy for you.
CHEF: It was hard at first to have the pot available every day, but then I met Slip at the gym. He has been a great connection. Several times I did succumb to the munchies, and I might eat four sandwiches and a bag of Oreo cookies. Everybody has stumbling blocks down the road of life. There are many ways to reach your goal. I used pot and took off a lot.
Being a man who has never really gotten control of my addictions, it is a small miracle that I have lost nearly fifty pounds. Fat has insulated me not only from the cold, but from life. I have let it hold me back. The insulation is melting away. Watch out cruel world, it is time for me to live to the fullest. I have coasted for many years, bloated and lonely.
It is time for a change. I’m going to have a ball.