lose 10 pounds

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Five easy ways to quickly lose ten pounds.

1 Staple your lips shut
2 Only eat while standing on your head
3 Look at yourself naked then throw up
4 Swim across the English Channel
5 Chew everything but never swallow.

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sex machine

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I may have to find employment in the male prostitution field. Nobody has hired me for my mind,so I have to sell my body. I will be my own boss, set my own hours,and with the right combination of drugs, and vitamins, I could still be a sex machine. I’m not sure what to charge but judging by my last intercourse two years ago I’m going to charge by the minute. I can’t wait to go to work. I’m going to go get some hot pants.

awful things

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You can live life scared as hell that something awful is going to happen. Maybe for example, a heart attack, and stroke that leaves you only the ability to blink one eyelid. These fears can be all consuming, especially knowing all the awful things that already happened in my past. Being scared is no way to live. Have courage, face your fears, fight your problems head on. Enjoy the fight, and remember everything can change at the blink of an eyelid

Wings

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If my ninety-three-year-old father who I live with were to finally give up and go to heaven, it would be awful. If Fats, my pot source was to get busted, I will give up and go to heaven.
I like angels, people sitting around on clouds talking, and everything is just really nice.
I forgot to mention, I like wings.

Bad Boy

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“Miss, I’ve been meaning to tell you I think you are adorable,” I said.

She said, “What is your membership number, sir?” and didn’t look at me.

So what if she is twenty and I am at a later age.  Shouldn’t a front desk clerk at the gym at least smile.  I got a compliment once last year and I smiled.  I’m getting shot down in flames at least twice a week these days.  The one phone number I got from a woman at the club turned out to be the number for Weight Watchers.

I’m not giving up this time. I’m going to join match.com and make my profile look really good.

My love

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Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
I don’t know who said this, but I have loved in the past, it is finding love in the future that is uncertain. I love my dog, and I love macaroni and cheese, but that’s not the same as being in love. If love doesn’t find me, I’m willing to settle for a meaningless one night stand or a friend with benefits.

Escape to the Beach

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I’d escaped to Greenbriar Lake. The beach looked great and there were plenty of women to look at.
Underneath my tortoiseshell sunglasses my eyeballs were really working.

My strategic towel placement put me in amongst a group of young women.
I took off my shirt, struggling to get it off. I knew all eyes were on me.
When I looked around, I think they quickly looked away.
They must have seen that I was still in a full sweat just from walking the short distance from my car. My body glistened in the sun. Make a note to cut back on the weed tomorrow.

The lifeguard was a frail young man who probably never saved anyone with my massive muscle buildup.
As I walked forward to get in the water, I flexed all the muscles in my back and buttocks. I heard one small girl scream, but I could not determine if she was looking at me.
I’d worn my new double-extra large red trunks and I knew I was looking hot.

One woman actually spoke to me. She asked if I was a good swimmer.
I told her I was a excellent breast stroker.
Life is a beach.