Love and Heartburn

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Life can be challenging. My doctor told me I have something called GERD. I must stop drinking alcohol.  Fried foods and chocolate are a no-no. These were my favorite things in the world next to marijuana. I told this to my girlfriend. I think she blocks out most of what I say–she suggested we go get a drink.  I tell myself one bourbon won’t hurt. The fried cheese balls she orders are only inches from my reach. I eat a few. On the way home she breaks off a corner of a Hershey bar and says, “go ahead it’s only a little piece.”  Later the burping brings acid from my stomach into my esophagus.  The heartburn pain is unbearable. Tums don’t work at all. I have learned my lesson. No more alcohol, chocolate or Fried foods. Most important avoid my girlfriend whenever possible or suffer in pain and agony…

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The Freshman Fifteen

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To live like I lived my first year at the University of Maryland would kill most people.
My morning regimen of bong hits was followed by brunch at the dining hall. This meal might consist of three cheeseburgers, french fries with cheese sauce, lots of catsup, assorted desserts, and a stacked sandwich that had everything a fat guy loves.
After brunch, more bong hits and beers. My belly grew so fast that, to my horror, I looked in the mirror one day and saw a mess of squiggly lines closing in on my belly button. For six months I thought I had developed stage four stomach cancer. Finally, a doctor told me they were stretch marks. Six months of worry and overeating had turned me into a fat basket case. They say the Freshman Fifty is the new Fifteen–I was ahead of my time.

Nearly forty years have gone by and my lifestyle has only changed a little for the better. I have never wanted to grow up or to grow old, and I may achieve both goals.

The Joker Goes Vegan

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Beyond my will I am being forced to become a vegetarian.

The nurse poked my finger for a blood sugar check, and she said molasses came out.

She then took my blood pressure–the meter exploded and tore her blouse wide open.

Goodbye Burger King Whopper, over the years you hurt me deeply.
Goodbye Popeyes whole menu, you broke my heart.
So long Prime Rib, I loved you as often as I could, but it’s over now.

As a vegetarian, I pledge to eat tremendous amounts of kale, tofu, bean curd, and spinach,
and never cut the cheese.