I was glad to see that the chef who taught my first class at culinary school was beautiful. She was funny, smiled a lot, and was a good instructor. Almost every class she would excuse herself and then leave the classroom for five to ten minutes.
One day she was trussing up a chicken and asked a student, James, to come up to the demonstration table and help her. When he finished and sat back down, he informed the rest of us that she smelled like Gin. The fact that she was drinking on the job did not bother us. Sometimes at night, drinking together after class, we would raise our beers and say, “This one’s for Chef Kathy.”
Then came one class when she was showing us how to de-bone a lamb. She sliced her finger–a deep cut–and she was unaware of what had happened. The blood dripped over the lamb like a red gravy. Somebody yelled, “Chef, you cut your finger.”
Chef Kathy ran out of the room. We wondered, was she going to belt down some gin for the pain or pour some on her finger?
To cut down on protein, and because my doctor advised me to, I have been a vegetarian for six days. Last night I had a nightmare that I was being attacked by a giant wiener with mustard on it. I have eaten so much cabbage the toenail on my pinky has turned green. Mocking people who ate things like tofu, and bean curd, I actually tried some tofu bologna. That must be what they eat on the planet Uranus. Every time I burped I could taste it again. My cravings for meat are getting so bad I might go outside and eat a squirrel, or a toad.
Time to touch up the old resume. Let me see, should I give them the phone number of my last employer, hell no. Although I am a good worker, when my employment is terminated, I tend to go out with a bang. One time I threw a large pot full of hot Brussels Sprouts all over the kitchen floor and stomped through them on my way out the door. I am a crazy cook with little patience. A bad combination for long term employment. I have always gotten jobs, it is keeping them that I’m not good at. So fudge the Resume again, get a job , get a check. That is what life is all about.
Twenty months ago my niece told me to send her some jokes. Jasmine was going to make me famous on the internet. That started my blog which is approaching 5000 views. This for me has been quite an accomplishment, for a man who at an early age decided to coast through life, a pretty good cook, a stoner, and a wannabe lover. My small blog means a lot to me, it has helped me greatly, and I say thank you for the likes.
My mother was a great woman. A graduate, with Honors, from Hood College. A self taught expert on the history of Frederick County .A leader in the community with regards to historic preservation. And yet she could never learned to ride a bicycle. she was uncoordinated , a horrible athlete.She couldn’t even play badmitton.
She never really learned to drive correctly. A head on collision on hollow road, she knocked a post over at the post office. She drove our VW beetle through the back wall of our barn.
Mom cooked for a hungry family of seven. I can still picture her sleepy headed fixing our bag lunches. Then find out later she forgot to put bologna on my bologna sandwich.
She considered herself a creative artists and after spending hours on another watercolor she might say, “Stevie how do you like this? Often I would get a puzzled look on my face and reply, “What is it”?
Sometimes it was hard to visit my mom. She might quickly take my hand, and then I would realize she had mashed potatoes, and gravy in her hand. Even near the end it was worth it to go see mom, for suddenly she might look at you, and give you a big smile.I will always miss that.
In three months it will be summer. I can’t wait. Summer is the only time people tell me I look hot. Shorts and flip flops, gin and tonics. The sun bright and hot, tanning you, and soothing to my soul. It has been cold for too long, and right now it is snowing. I can see you coming summer, I love you.
Oh my cubed potatoes are boiling over. Quickly take the top off the pot and turn the burner down.
Is it that damn phone again?
“Record Street Home, Chef Stephen speaking.”
This lady tells me her mother has left her hearing aid in her car ash tray. I connect her to the nurses station. Man all this talking has my hunger up. I think I’ll make a bologna, salami, Ham, two pieces of American cheese with tomatoes, mayonnaise, mustard, pickles on hoagie roll and eat it while I’m cooking. Good thing I’m getting back on my diet tomorrow.