At Least There Are Nurses

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Dialysis changes you both physically and mentally.  The vein in my left bicep has been altered to carry large amounts of blood. This is my access, or fistula. Before the nurses stick needles in my arm, I like to ask them if they think my fistula makes my muscle look bigger.  The nursing staff at dialysis, mostly young women, have helped me mentally. Sometimes instead of reading or watching TV, I just stare at the nurses.  I always tell them when I am leaving that it was nice looking at you.

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Smoke and Needles

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She was getting ready to stick big needles in my arm.  She asked me if I had smoked pot before I came in. She said, “Your eyes are bloodshot, you smell like pot, and you haven’t stopped talking since you sat down.”  I asked if she also worked for the FBI or the city police.  I told her nicely that what I do in the privacy of my own home is confidential.  She stuck the needles in, and I think it may have hurt more than it normally does.
I think more clearly when I am stoned. The trouble is, a good buzz lasts me, at the most, a half hour.  Then I revert back to my quiet, slow thinking self.

Why The Long Face?

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In the last six months I have suffered some serious health issues and my life has changed dramatically.  Now my favorite cocktail is a vodka and Miralax. Two of these concoctions and I’m right where I want to be–in the bathroom.

My diet has changed too. I am now low carb, low protein, and low flavor.  For dinner last night I had roast celery.  I splurged for dessert and had a teaspoon of probiotic yogurt with a hint of agave necter on top.

Dr. B. M. Smoothy turned my life around when I was backed up for ten days.  The end result was explosive.  It let me know that when life gets stinky, you need a good doctor. God bless this doctor, his nurses and a receptionist.

Stick Me

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Tired black men and senior citizens in wheelchairs all looking very drained.   These are my Dialysis clinic buddies.

“Mr. Lebherz, I’m going to stick you today.”  The technician is ready to go. She pushes two needles into my arm.  They are the size of small nails with tubes attached.  The cleaning process has started.  I sit for the next four hours.  Four hours of reading, television, and looking around the room at my buddies who look like they are ready to pass out or kick the bucket.

Take care of your kidneys.

Blood flow

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The nurse at my cardiologist turned her back to me and said, “Stephen, please take your pants off.”
It was then I realized I had worn a pair of underwear that was decades old. This nurse was quite attractive and these underwear made me look the opposite of sexy.
“Stephen get up on the examining table I need to check your femoral artery for blood flow.”
I hop up on the table not letting her see the back of my underwear, which might make her think I am unclean. She put a small sheet over me and when she smoothed it out she accidentally touched a strategic area of my body. When I was leaving I told her this was one of the best doctors visits I have ever had.

Symptoms

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A doctor has asked me to monitor my daily health. Through keen observation I have noted some strange things and will report the following.

1 If I go up more than two flights of stairs smoke comes out of my left ear.

2 My heart skips a beat if a naked woman walks past me.

3 When I am kicked in the groin I will hear ringing in my ears the next day.

4 My temperature will go down if I sit on a bag of ice.

What do you do?

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What do you do when you are given some drastic health news.
1 You go a little nutty for a few days. I went a whole day not realizing my shorts were on backwards.
2 You feel angry that you did not follow doctor’s orders for fifteen years.
3 You start being nice to people. I even started a conversation with a big fat women on the treadmill next to me at the gym. Strangers always like me better than people that know me.
4 You realize everyday is a gift. Sadness, fear,anger, no sex, sobriety, these are things to leave in the past.