Do You Love Yourself?


The weight loss instructor looked straight at me in the group of about nine big fat women. “Stephen do you love yourself?”

They were all waiting for a goofy reply.  I looked up with sadness in my eyes and said I did love myself, sometimes late at night.  Then I rolled my eyes and looked guilty.  This got a good laugh. We lost no weight Easter week.


Get Up to Get Down


Exercise saved my life.  I do a dead lift out of bed every morning.  Then I do deep bend overs in the shower to let the water shoot everywhere. Then I do a couple pull ups: I pull up my underwear, then pull up my pants.  A really extended bend over when I tie my shoes.  I have to remember to breath during this stretch or when I stand up I see stars–I have ended up on the floor several times.

Sometimes from this workout I am exhausted and lay back down to recover.

Stress test


My doctor didn’t tell me that my stress test would be stressful. It was partly my fault because my loose shorts kept falling down. This hindered my stride, with one hand holding my shorts up. First the nurse, who looked like a boxer, shaved my chest with a razor that pulled out more hair then it shaved. Then, with many wires attached, she told me to get on the treadmill.
I think she was trying to break me down. She had the treadmill on its highest incline. I was running and sucking air through my eyes, my ears, my mouth and my nose. I was getting ready to collapse and fall, possibly tearing off all my wires and sliding back, a heap on the floor. “That’s it. You’re done,” she said.
My heart passed the test, my heart that has been broken so many times

Local Chef uses pot to lose weight


Local chef and pot consumer has lost fifty-two pounds using the illegal substance to aide in diet and exercise.


BBC: Chef how did you lose weight using pot?

CHEF: Using hypnosis I conquered the munchies, after this the pounds came right off.

BBC: Chef you did have to exercise?

CHEF: Yes , It was four months ago that I did some bong hits and went to the gym. I found myself running on a treadmill nearly five times the distance than the day before totally sober. When I am totally sober I don’t go to the gym.

BBC: Chef, you make it sound like this was easy for you.

CHEF: It was hard at first to have the pot available every day, but then I met Slip at the gym. He has been a great connection. Several times I did succumb to the munchies, and I might eat four sandwiches and a bag of Oreo cookies. Everybody has stumbling blocks down the road of life. There are many ways to reach your goal. I used pot and took off a lot.

Seeking Torrid Love Affair


I am slowly melting. A low carb diet and a focus on exercise is making me shrink.
I want to live a long life, and I still want to have a torrid love affair.
My dog is an excellent companion, but his conversation is weak, and his breath stinks.

Feeling comfortable when I am naked is an important part of reaching my goal.
I’m getting in the best shape of my life. I’m trying to flirt at every opportunity.
I am basically acting like an adolescent, which is hard to pull off in your fifties. I don’t like rejection, but my time is running out.
Watch out babes, I’m going to be looking for you.

Body Building


I am going for the sculptured look of a body builder.
I am presently working the Gluteus Maximus muscle. Each day I do at least seventeen GM clenches.
You can do this while you are lying in bed, in the bathtub, or standing on your head.
Simply clench your behind muscles, count to five and release.
This increases blood flow, slows the growth of hair, and moles,
and will give you that sexy look again.

Remember what your tushy looked like when you were sixteen.
Clench you buns, and have some fun.

Ripe Melons


With lots of exercise, sunshine, and good genes, I’m looking pretty good.
An attractive woman at the grocery store motioned me to come to her.

She was squeezing a melon, which made he chest bulge out, and she said,
“Do you think these are ripe?”

I smiled and said, “Those are the breast melons they have.”
She said, “Did you say breast melons?”
I said, “I meant best melons.”
She said, “Sure you did, honey,” and gave me a very warm smile.