My Only Friend, The End


In April I will turn 60. Hell, I am still waiting for puberty to wrap up. I have loved–it was mostly for animals–humans and dogs.  When I was younger I smelled fresher, but now PU.

If my health insurance gets canceled that’s it.  I am going to take 40 Ambien, sixteen shots of Tequila, eat 1 lb of bad sushi, then eat two whole Dominos large pizzas with extra cheese and four toppings.  If that doesn’t kill me nothing will. I just hope I don’t wake up from that.


Good company


My father’s assisted living home smells like poop.  My father has been fading for five years. He now says very little.   He will have a chocolate, a piece of fruit, a stiff Vodka Tonic.  After his first sip he will say “this tastes good.”  I have to keep the conversation going, and I talk about my girlfriend or my health issues.  He does laugh and make expressions.  He thinks I am a little nutty, like my mother and her Mother.  He enjoys my visits.

Red Sports Car


From the angle of her sunglasses I can tell the woman in front of me, in the red sports car, is looking at me.  I’ll suck in my cheeks, and give her my handsomest look.  Now she is twirling her hair with her finger.  She must like what she is seeing.  I’m pulling up beside her.  Shit, It’s a man.  He is smiling and waving.  You better behave, you ugly pervert.

Dear Higher Power


Dear higher power please make everything go right in the next six months. In return I will be kind even to people who are really stupid. I will double my donations to charity, last year it was $7.00. My worse cuss word will be darn,and I will never use the F word unless I have a bodily injury.
Help me higher power, please

Bucket list


1 Star in x rated movie
2 Sail to Tahiti with all girl crew
3 Have relationship with hippopotamus
4 Write blog that changes mankind
5 Go to nudist camp with underwear on
6 Get e-mail from Jesus
7 Ask Bill Gates to lend me 1 million dollars
8 Fall hopelessly in love with myself

Deep Breathing


Trying to improve my mind and body has been very difficult. Deep breathing and meditation caused me to nearly pass out. The extra intake of air came back out later. My dog, who sleeps with me, left the room upset. That oxygen can really mess me up.
Yoga is not for the obese. I got stuck in a position and had to call 911. The pressure on my belly caused my stretch marks to spread. In the gym I always end up a total sweat ball. I have to leave the gym in this smelly condition because I will not shower with other men. I’m thinking I may stay out of shape, with the same old lame brain.

zumba dancer


I want to be a zumba dancer. Gyrating my hips in a room full of sweating women. This is not going to happen.

I want to go on safari in Africa. Riding on the back of a giant elephant. This is not going to happen.

I want to climb Mt. Everest and be on top of the world. This is not going to happen

I want to eat a whole pizza, with extra cheese and pepperoni. This is going to happen.