From the angle of her sunglasses I can tell the woman in front of me, in the red sports car, is looking at me. I’ll suck in my cheeks, and give her my handsomest look. Now she is twirling her hair with her finger. She must like what she is seeing. I’m pulling up beside her. Shit, It’s a man. He is smiling and waving. You better behave, you ugly pervert.
Dear higher power please make everything go right in the next six months. In return I will be kind even to people who are really stupid. I will double my donations to charity, last year it was $7.00. My worse cuss word will be darn,and I will never use the F word unless I have a bodily injury.
Help me higher power, please
1 Star in x rated movie
2 Sail to Tahiti with all girl crew
3 Have relationship with hippopotamus
4 Write blog that changes mankind
5 Go to nudist camp with underwear on
6 Get e-mail from Jesus
7 Ask Bill Gates to lend me 1 million dollars
8 Fall hopelessly in love with myself
Trying to improve my mind and body has been very difficult. Deep breathing and meditation caused me to nearly pass out. The extra intake of air came back out later. My dog, who sleeps with me, left the room upset. That oxygen can really mess me up.
Yoga is not for the obese. I got stuck in a position and had to call 911. The pressure on my belly caused my stretch marks to spread. In the gym I always end up a total sweat ball. I have to leave the gym in this smelly condition because I will not shower with other men. I’m thinking I may stay out of shape, with the same old lame brain.
I want to be a zumba dancer. Gyrating my hips in a room full of sweating women. This is not going to happen.
I want to go on safari in Africa. Riding on the back of a giant elephant. This is not going to happen.
I want to climb Mt. Everest and be on top of the world. This is not going to happen
I want to eat a whole pizza, with extra cheese and pepperoni. This is going to happen.
I don’t go out much but tonight I’m going to get messed up and walk into a bar. I’m a good looking man, which can work against you, and nobody has my back. Most of my old party buddies are dead, or they had to leave town. I told two women the last time I went out that I won’t fight men any more but I’ll take on two woman. The bars in this town you have to be ready for combat. I can’t imagine getting in a fight at my age. 6 shots of bourbon and I’ll fight Godzilla.
Ready for a relaxing Sunday, my brother called to say Dad’s going to to the emergency room because his digestion isn’t working right. That’s when I realized that I had fixed him his favorite salmon dinner just two nights earlier. He had consumed enough for three people. He also mentioned that night that he was taking extra mineral oils for his digestion. I don’t always listen closely to his comments like that at the dinner table. When he ended up at the hospital I knew this could be information which the team of crack nurses and doctors at the emergency room would need to know. I grabbed the dog and headed in town. He will be ninety-four in September. Just like the rest of us, he is afraid of kicking the bucket. It all came out OK in the end. When you help someone it makes you feel good sometimes.