Getting Old Is No Fun


For as long as I remember I have been bad. Nearly expelled from a Catholic elementary school I had punched a nun in the stomach.  She hit me first.  Making up sins to tell the priest in confession–my penance was so long I pissed while kneeling at the altar.  For doing this I may not go straight to heaven.  At school lunch I would take other kids’ food. This lead to weight gain since I mostly took cookies. I was obsessed with girls bodies, always picturing in my mind what they looked like naked. This was not a learned behavior. It came to me naturally.

As I have gotten much older, I still have bad thoughts–I just don’t act on them. Getting old is no fun.




If my ninety-three-year-old father who I live with were to finally give up and go to heaven, it would be awful. If Fats, my pot source was to get busted, I will give up and go to heaven.
I like angels, people sitting around on clouds talking, and everything is just really nice.
I forgot to mention, I like wings.

Aunt Sity’s Simple Salad


My Aunt Sity was a fabulous cook–everything she made was delicious. Her ginger snaps were a thing of beauty. When I looked into her fridge, I thought I had seen Heaven.

Even her salad so simple and good.
*Chop one head of iceberg lettuce bite size.*

Aunt Sity might serve this salad with a platter of fried chicken and some homemade biscuits.
*Chop one medium yellow onion and mix with lettuce.*

Aunt Sity’s salad was fattening as was almost everything she made.
*Chop five hard boiled eggs, add to salad and refrigerate.*

Aunt Sity lived her whole life in the same house. Her husband worked on the train that passed by her house every day.
*Combine 4 Tbsp. catsup, 4 Tbsp. mustard, 4 Tbsp. mayonnaise, 2 Tbsp. sugar, salt and
pepper. Mix well with salad and serve.*

Aunt Sity had a long, happy, life. She loved to eat her cooking and so did I.

Heaven or Hell at the Four-Way Stop


At a four-way stop, a man in a black truck sped through the intersection,
narrowly missing me in my VW Jetta. I hit the brakes.
My dog shot through the air and went nose first into the dash.
My belly which acts like a built-in air bag absorbed the shock.

I saw my life pass before my eyes.
If I go to heaven, I hope I meet a beautiful angel. I’ve met some angels on Earth but they were not beautiful.
If I go to hell, I’m bringing the Speedo bathing suit that I bought and never wore. I understand it can get quite hot down there.

Most of my life, I’ve had a little bit of the devil in me.
I may be more at home in hell–who knows?