For as long as I remember I have been bad. Nearly expelled from a Catholic elementary school I had punched a nun in the stomach. She hit me first. Making up sins to tell the priest in confession–my penance was so long I pissed while kneeling at the altar. For doing this I may not go straight to heaven. At school lunch I would take other kids’ food. This lead to weight gain since I mostly took cookies. I was obsessed with girls bodies, always picturing in my mind what they looked like naked. This was not a learned behavior. It came to me naturally.
As I have gotten much older, I still have bad thoughts–I just don’t act on them. Getting old is no fun.
For years I carried a condom in my wallet. Then, when I finally needed it, I opened it up, and it looked like a bunch of shredded rubber bands.
I met this woman. We dated, and she was always asking me for money. Twice I caught her going into my wallet. She was cold-hearted and never wanted sex.
That’s when it occurred to me:
this woman was just like my old condom–always in my wallet, never on my wiener.
I’m cooking on Christmas.
The new girl is twenty, blond and built like a super model. She is my server.
I’m trying to make her laugh, and when I mashed potatoes, I flexed my biceps.
She was not impressed. She never stopped looking at her cell phone.
How depressing. First I have to work on Christmas, then this young beautiful super model obviously thinks I look like an old elephant.