In April I will turn 60. Hell, I am still waiting for puberty to wrap up. I have loved–it was mostly for animals–humans and dogs. When I was younger I smelled fresher, but now PU.
If my health insurance gets canceled that’s it. I am going to take 40 Ambien, sixteen shots of Tequila, eat 1 lb of bad sushi, then eat two whole Dominos large pizzas with extra cheese and four toppings. If that doesn’t kill me nothing will. I just hope I don’t wake up from that.
People on dialysis can have what experts call “fuzzy thinking.” I had this before dialysis so it doesn’t bother me.
I’ve learned to enjoy the small things in life. Small bites of pizza, small shots of booze, and small breasts. You never know what life is going to throw at you. I think my girlfriend would like to throw bricks. Fortunately my head can break brick and there would only be a small wound. My aches and pains are rapidly trying to turn me into a old man. Thank goodness I retain the mind of a sixteen-year-old. That I hope never changes.
Mrs. Boyer was our creepy old bus driver. She drove too fast and was always watching me in her big rear view mirror. She said I was a troublemaker.
The public school kids wanted to fight me because I went to private Catholic school, and wore blue pants, blue tie, and a white shirt. I was also short and fat.
One day, the biggest girl on the bus smacked me from behind. She then started choking me. Mrs. Boyer stopped the bus and got her off of me. I got even when I threw up on the girl. I had eaten a pizza burger for lunch and she was a mess.
I must confess that at the age of eighteen I suffered an episode of road rage.
I was going 55 mph in the slow lane when I saw coming at me, very fast, maybe 85mph, a white Mercedes Benz. It came right up behind me, swerved at the last second, barely missing me and then went on by.
I saw it was a woman wearing a fancy wide-brimmed hat.
I went temporarily insane and floored the gas peddle of my VW Beetle.
I was able to pull up beside her. I lowered my window, raised my middle finger and screamed,
“Eat shit, Bitch!”
She was a very old lady and I startled her.
She pulled off the road, went into the grass and slid sideways.
I didn’t stop to help. If she got hurt it was my fault.
I felt bad for nearly one hour.
I think that what really made me mad was, when she swerved around me,
I dropped the piece of pizza I was eating onto the floor.
I am slowly understanding myself.
I realize now that I have been self-medicating since I was twelve.
I haven’t been to the dentist in ten years and have had no cavities.
If I eat two hot dogs with chili and sauerkraut, I will need a faster than normal change of underwear. Driving and eating a hot slice of pizza can be fatal.
When it comes to sex, I hold my own.