What are you?


What are you some kind of jerk?  When I took my math homework to my Dad I would eventually be hit with this question in his loud angry voice.  My father was a chemical engineer. He went to Johns Hopkins, Princeton and MIT.  I was kicked out of the local community college.  After a long explanation of how you find the answer to a math problem, I knew he was going to ask me what the answer to the problem was.  I was wrong 100% of the time.  That’s when he would loudly question my intelligence.  This was another blow to my already fragile ego.

Fortunately I have gotten through life without ever using a mathematical formula, geometry, or algebra.  I have seldom used my brain for anything.  I am more like my mother who could not keep a checking account straight.  Deep thinking is not my forte.


Broke With Big Plans


As a part-time cook, my money hasn’t been rolling in lately.
I’m so broke, I can’t afford the down payment on a pack of matches.
From sitting on it, and it being empty, my wallet is really thin.
At the top of my bank statement in big letters it said, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

Why me? I come from a good family, although compared to them I guess you could say I was retarded. My father graduated from Johns Hopkins, then went on to Princeton and MIT.
I was kicked out of our local community college.
My mother graduated from Hood. I went to culinary school in Baltimore just across the street from the red light district. I learned a lot my first semester.

I don’t want to be poor the rest of my life. I have some investment plans. I’m going rob a 7-11 and use the money to start a stock portfolio. You have to save for your future, and with the money that I have put away, I can retire for one day and six hours.
I’m worried: When you are homeless where do you watch TV?
Things will turn around. I may get full-time work next week, and with the big money rolling in, I’m going on vacation.
Hell yes!