What Did You Eat Yesterday?

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“Hey Mom, I’m not going to school today,” I announced.

“Oh… you’re not?  What is the matter?” she asked.

“Last night I threw up all over the toilet. I got some on my shirt.”

I showed her the stain on my shirt, which was really chocolate milk.

“Well what did you eat yesterday?” she asked.

I ate two big bowls of Lucky Charms.  I ate my school lunch and Tommy Smith’s lunch because he wasn’t hungry.  A couple people in the cafeteria gave me their cake.  After school I had Pop Tarts at Grandma’s with ice cream.  Then we had dinner–ham, green beans, potatoes, bread.  For a bedtime snack, I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

My mom said she was going to put me on a diet.  She said I should get upstairs, wipe off the toilet, and get ready for school.

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Bad Cake

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“Hey Grandma, this piece of cake tastes awful, and it smells like mothballs.”
I said this with a horrible look on my face, then spit the cake out on my paper plate.

“Bobbie, Davie,–Stevie–”
She always called me by my brothers names before she got to mine.
“Don’t eat it! Give it to Butchie.”

I passed it down to her rotund dog Butchie. He ate it in three seconds, then went in on the plush carpet and got violently ill.
“Oh, look what my Butchie did!” She was straining and sweating as she wiped it up,
and she may have broken wind, because when I entered the room, the smell was horrendous.

I left her house without eating anything.
My appetite had vanished, and I was glad I didn’t eat that cake.