Fireflies, Fireworks and Sparklers


Our annual Fourth of July football game was under way.  Little kids, senior citizens, even girls were allowed to play. I was going only half-speed as I had already eaten two hotdogs and two hamburgers. Even with this massive load in my stomach I caught a touchdown thrown by my uncle Frank. He could play with a cigarette in his mouth–that takes talent. When he gave the football to his son, little Frankie ran the wrong way and kept going until he was tackled in my neighbor’s yard. The turnout was big this year–nearly a hundred cousins and friends. All together in our front yard. I was proud. We were drinking, sweating and swatting away gnats. At dark the fireflies came out, then fireworks and sparklers.

Happy Fourth of July


Deep Breathing


Trying to improve my mind and body has been very difficult. Deep breathing and meditation caused me to nearly pass out. The extra intake of air came back out later. My dog, who sleeps with me, left the room upset. That oxygen can really mess me up.
Yoga is not for the obese. I got stuck in a position and had to call 911. The pressure on my belly caused my stretch marks to spread. In the gym I always end up a total sweat ball. I have to leave the gym in this smelly condition because I will not shower with other men. I’m thinking I may stay out of shape, with the same old lame brain.

Escape to the Beach


I’d escaped to Greenbriar Lake. The beach looked great and there were plenty of women to look at.
Underneath my tortoiseshell sunglasses my eyeballs were really working.

My strategic towel placement put me in amongst a group of young women.
I took off my shirt, struggling to get it off. I knew all eyes were on me.
When I looked around, I think they quickly looked away.
They must have seen that I was still in a full sweat just from walking the short distance from my car. My body glistened in the sun. Make a note to cut back on the weed tomorrow.

The lifeguard was a frail young man who probably never saved anyone with my massive muscle buildup.
As I walked forward to get in the water, I flexed all the muscles in my back and buttocks. I heard one small girl scream, but I could not determine if she was looking at me.
I’d worn my new double-extra large red trunks and I knew I was looking hot.

One woman actually spoke to me. She asked if I was a good swimmer.
I told her I was a excellent breast stroker.
Life is a beach.

How to Meet Gorgeous Women at the Gym

Going to the gym is not only good for your health, it is a great way to meet gorgeous woman.
Follow my easy advice, and you might meet the girl of your dreams.
First start with the front desk employee, who at my gym is often a young vivacious woman.  When she asks me for my membership number, I am always cordial, and once I said, “My number is 007.   I’m Bond, James Bond.”
I then compliment her, maybe saying her eyes look like two coconuts on fire.  This could lead to further serious conversation.
Always get on a resistance machine that has women nearby.  Just to get their attention, put maybe five pounds of weight on and do ten reps with loud grunting and excessive heavy breathing.  Let these women know you are a strong man, and you have stamina.  Remember women love to smell sweat.
After three short years at the gym, I’ve gotten one woman’s cell phone number.  It did turn out, though, to be the number for Weight Watchers, but that’s ok.  In this battle of the sexes you take your blows head on and persevere.
In conversation I let them know that I am a chef and I love the nightlife,  although last night I watched Storage Wars re-runs and ate a bag of pork rinds.
Bottom line: if you like watching women work out, and you are a little lonely, head to the gym, and be ready for love.