It’s So Cold….

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The other day it was so cold out I saw a deer wearing long underwear.  I saw two squirrels putting their nuts in a microwave.  When I stepped outside there was a cute little chipmunk, frozen solid. The wind was howling, and I told my girlfriend, when you go outside, stand next to me because I’m good at breaking wind.  She agreed.

It is too cold here. I want to go to Miami.

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Have I Been Nice Enough?

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Santa is coming.  I hope he brings me a new car for Christmas.  The check engine light has been on in my car for a few years.  It is German-made, too complicated to fix, or maybe I’m projecting.  My dog, Louie the fourteenth, is my main passenger, which is why my swanky dash is covered with dog hair. We travel country roads every day and when he sees a cow, he barks and licks his lips.  When we get to the park he jumps from back seat to front seat eager to get out and walk and have a dooky.  If someone is watching I just keep pulling him forward while he is going because I’m not picking it up.  What’s one dog turd going to hurt when there is duck poop everywhere? The sun is out, the sky is blue, we are on our walk, it’s a good day.

Leaves Falling

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The cycle of life and death continues all around me.  The leaves fall and cover the grass that my father worked so hard for decades to maintain.  Everybody who lives in this old house has to deal with the leaves falling down.  It’s tempting to leave them there, but then the grass will die, and by March, the yard will be a brown muddy mess.

Although I don’t like the fall and winter, this year I am looking forward to sharing Thanksgiving with my roommate.  We will see how many vegetarian dishes go well with gravy.

Winter is Coming

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One winter many years ago, I put a noose around my neck and stepped off a chair.
My weight snapped the thin rope almost immediately, but not before the pipe it was tied to pulled out of the ceiling and sprung a leak. Somehow I had scraped my wrist. A bead of blood came out of the scratch, and I put a Band-Aid on it–with antiseptic.
Boy! Did that sting!

As winter approaches, my good mood deteriorates and here I am again thinking, get the rope out.
But, I know from experience– I can’t do it.
I’m chicken, and I can’t afford the plumbing bill.
Spring will return. Carry on.

Winter is Coming

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I can feel that summer is fading.

GET READY FOR WINTER TO DO LIST

1. Stock up on anti-depressants.

2. Purchase case of wine.
Merlot, Chablis, Mad Dog 20/20

3. Get out winter clothes.
same as summer clothes + heavy coat

4.Chop Firewood
My Paul Bunyan days are over–
forget this.

5. Enjoy the rest of summer.

Eat Light

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This winter is making spring and summer look exceptionally good.
This harsh winter is affecting people in unusual ways.

The produce lady at the supermarket was punching a watermelon, the red flesh spewing onto the floor with seeds scattering everywhere.
I ignored her and walked faster, then missed getting my bananas.

The cashier’s fingers were very shaky, and she said my total was 97 dollars and 17 cents. I knew there was a problem, because I had only purchased a loaf of high fiber wheat bread. I would’ve been pissed, but she had a hot body, and I enjoyed watching her try to fix the problem.

As I made my way into the parking lot, a man looked directly at me and then pushed his cart straight at me. Just before his cart hit me, I noticed he was cross-eyed. The weather has gotten to me, too.
I dodged his cart, looked him in the eyes and said, “Watch it, buddy, or I’ll knock your eyes straight!”

Stay inside. Eat light. Worship the sun. Be brave.

Winter Foul, Spring Chicken

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One winter many years ago, I put a noose around my neck and stepped off a chair.
My weight snapped the thin rope almost immediately, but not before the pipe that it was tied to pulled out of the ceiling and sprung a leak. Somehow I had cut my wrist. When a bead of blood came out of the scratch, I put a Band-Aid on it– with antiseptic. Boy! Did that sting!

I held an unloaded gun to my head for nearly half an hour. My arm got tired.
I learned something during this near-suicidal period.
I don’t have what it takes to knock myself off. This is a good thing.

Spring gets here, and my mood slowly changes. I don’t have to act happy or fake my good mood. It just comes back to me.
So, here I am again, and I’m thinking, get the rope out.
But, I know from experience– I can’t do it.
I’m chicken, and I can’t afford the plumbing bill.
Spring is coming. Spring is near. Carry on.