How to Quit

Standard

I’ve worked over forty-nine jobs in the Frederick County area.  That’s given me a wide range of work experiences, especially how to quit and how to get fired.  I now command salaries of up to nine dollars an hour.

At my last job, my boss, Jena, a rather attractive woman asked me to please get to work. I winked at her and said, “Jena, there is nothing wrong with getting a little behind.”
That was my last day there.

I have sales experience in jewelry, real estate, fire alarms, frozen steaks, furniture, and marijuana. None of these jobs was lucrative, but selling marijuana helped me to get laid once.

One of my qualities is that I take jobs that require mindless labor and no responsibility, and focus on getting to know my co-workers.  On the clock, I’m a real people person.

My main requirement now is that I work with women. My motto has always been: Work hard, play hard, but don’t play hard to get.  I’ve always appreciated promiscuous female co-workers–without them, I wouldn’t have had nearly as much sex on the job.

I’m currently seeking employment as a Mystery Shopper inside dialysis clinics.  Keeping a close eye on nurses comes naturally to me.

When I look back at my past, I can see that my future has to be better. It can’t be any worse.  It is always darkest just before the light.

Advertisements

At Least There Are Nurses

Standard

Dialysis changes you both physically and mentally.  The vein in my left bicep has been altered to carry large amounts of blood. This is my access, or fistula. Before the nurses stick needles in my arm, I like to ask them if they think my fistula makes my muscle look bigger.  The nursing staff at dialysis, mostly young women, have helped me mentally. Sometimes instead of reading or watching TV, I just stare at the nurses.  I always tell them when I am leaving that it was nice looking at you.

Taboo

Standard

A priest says to the rabbi, “You don’t eat bacon?”
The rabbi says, “No, it’s against my religion.”

The rabbi says to the priest, “You don’t make love to women?”
The priest says, “No, that is against my religion.”

The rabbi says, “You should try it– it’s better than bacon.”

Bucket list

Standard

1 Star in x rated movie
2 Sail to Tahiti with all girl crew
3 Have relationship with hippopotamus
4 Write blog that changes mankind
5 Go to nudist camp with underwear on
6 Get e-mail from Jesus
7 Ask Bill Gates to lend me 1 million dollars
8 Fall hopelessly in love with myself

Not my glory days

Standard

Hugging and talking to my dog isn’t cutting it anymore. I have to get out there and meet some human beings. I would like to meet someone with similar interests. Eating and breathing are my big interests–I don’t drink much anymore. O ccasionally I will have a vodka and Metamucil. I would like to meet someone who enjoys peace and quiet. I might hang out at the library.

Get Control

Standard

So life has thrown me a few curve balls. A death in the family, a move to a new home, and then I got fired. A lot of change, and problems in my life that I thought I had turned around. Marijuana is part of the my problem, my determination to live life as I want is a part of my problem. The fact that I never met my soul mate, and raised a family is also a factor. With a positive, stoned attitude I will carry on. To old friends, and classmates who have passed on to the next world, I salute you with this buzz, and wish you could be here to join me. I’m almost ready to grow old, and grow up, but not yet . My birthday is tomorrow. I’m going to enjoy it, and then live the rest of my life, the joking life, and try to do the best that I can. Wish you luck! Stephen.

renting a good body

Standard

I moved into my fathers house. Six bedrooms totally empty, as I only had furniture for the downstairs. My father is in assisted living , so I will live here in this huge house with my dog Louie. Today I bought a riding mower to mow the four acres surrounding the house. I am going to rent a room, hopefully to a good person. Female, non-smoker (cigarettes), sexy, laid back, and under sixty. I may rent to someone who does not meet this criteria, but their rent will be more. I have done this before, and I when you let someone into your home you have to discriminate. It is important to rent to someone who will not move out the first time they see me in my underwear. I may eat all of their peanut butter if they have any. If the rent is late I can become a homicidal maniac, depending on what they look like. Again obvious discrimination, but you have to be tough when money is on the line. I am going to be responsible, something I have rarely done in my past.