This year I am going to act my age. I am going to be kind and generous, all the time. I am only going to eat lean meats, fruits,and vegetables. I am going to be proud of who I am, and forget what my family thinks of me. I’m going to break a sweat more often. I am going to stop looking at women as sex objects. I’m going to take all my meds, legal and illegal. I’m going to do all these things. This Year.
May I rest my finger on your butt crack? At ten years old I asked her ,because I had been smacked very hard before. I negotiated this move and It paid off. My hand never ventured inside of her jeans. This uncharted territory would have to wait until I was twelve and drunk. The reaction I got from this simple laying of finger was to have a rocket ready to spit up. Amazing. Few things have affected my life more than this.
She has agreed to move in with me. I am going to clean my house, and brush my teeth regularly. She drinks white wine. I may pick up ten bottles. She does not like marijuana. I am quitting next week. She could be after my money. I don’t have any. She says that she loves me. I don’t know if that is true, but it is sure nice to hear.
I am an old bachelor. I have never said the words, will you marry me. My health has taken a turn for the worse with failing kidneys. I am lonely like never before. A girlfriend from my past happened to call and I told her of my situation. She drove eight hours, and stayed with me for the week of my surgery. Her kindness, and the sad feeling I felt after she left has me ready to pop the question. I am ready to get down on my good knee and say, will you marry me?
If it doesn’t stop raining I am going to build an arc like Noah. I won’t be able to catch two of every species but I can grab a couple squirrels, a couple rabbits, and my dog. I’ll call my old girlfriend, she can’t swim. She might like to spend some time with me rather than perish in the deep water. I think we are too old to repopulate mankind, but after a long voyage watching rabbits she might want to get cozy. I will bring plenty of food including a large bag of potato chips, and some frozen burritos. We will need hot food so I will bring my microwave. When the waters recede I hope we end up in Monte Carlo, not Cleveland.
Woosh, when my fat body hits the water there is an explosion. When I surface there is always some kid shaking his head, or laughing. Maybe it is the size of my butt, or the shape of my body, I can really make a big splash. I am going broke, My future doesn’t look rosy, but nobody can make a splash like I do.
Dear higher power please make everything go right in the next six months. In return I will be kind even to people who are really stupid. I will double my donations to charity, last year it was $7.00. My worse cuss word will be darn,and I will never use the F word unless I have a bodily injury.
Help me higher power, please