This date from Silver Singles, really knew how
to touch up a photo. The large mole with hair
coming out of it on the side of her nose was
not in her picture . During dinner I went
cross eyed looking at it. The end of the
night she suddenly gave me a big wet kiss
and my nose was pressing against her mole.
I guickly got out of the car, said good night,
then realized , I was driving.
I remember a time when it was forbidden
by my father to ever fart in his presence, in our house,
or even out in the yard. One evening the whole
family was watching Twilight Zone. We had had beans
and weenies for dinner and I was holding a fart. My pop was in his
favorite chair, I was laying on the floor directly in front of him.
My mean brother scared me by jumping and landing on by back.
The gas loudly came out. I turned to see dads totally angry disgusted look,
my mom holding her nose as the noxious smell permeated the whole room.
“What are you some kind of disgusting pig, go to the bathroom” he’d say. It
was no use, telling him I was already done. I had to get up and go stand in
the bathroom for a couple minutes. Then I was allowed to watch TV.
A ninety-six year old women starts getting horny again. She goes to the adult
toy store. “I need a sex toy”, she tells the man at the counter. He points at a
wall where there are many dildos hanging. “I’ll take that big red one” the great grandmother says. “I cant sell you that” the salesmen smirks. “Why not”, granny says.
“Because that’s the fire extinguisher”.
My best friend told the police I beat her. They came to confiscate my guns. I loved her. I took care of her when she fell in the parking lot of the East street coffee shop and broke her wrist. I told them I had a BB gun. They left papers which she wrote and signed that I threw her down the stairs. She left in the Chevy Cruize I had co-signed a loan on. It took three months , lots of money and a Good Lawyer to rectify the situation. I loved her.
My mother was was going to die in the hospital. My brothers were there when she pointed at me and said in a scary voice, you are a liar. She said it three times. It creeped me out. I said I hadn’t lied and I was not a liar. Then she sat up, threw up, and said I was a big fat liar. I left the room, she was very worn down and out of her mind. I never watched a horror movie called The Exorcist again. It had been one of my favorites.
No Depression go away
I need to see the light of day
Sadness can have a grip on me
My own thoughts can set me free
Time is short I can’t waste it
Live my life as I see fit
I won’t let things get me down
Stop my bad thoughts from hanging around
No depression go away
I need to see the light of day
I didn’t think he was listening. He asked how I lost all the weight. I told him I had a bad break up with my live-in girlfriend. I had constant gas pains and heartburn if I ate more than half a sandwich. I stopped eating at the Burger King just down the hill. I had conquered the munchies with fruit. He said, no, I mean what diet were you on. I told him I was on the get depressed and develop stomach troubles diet. He said he had lost 30 pounds on Atkins once. He now looked like a tub of lard.
Dinner with my brother and his daughter was at a fine dining establishment. “The crab imperial looks good,” I say. Only the 40 next to it is outrageous. The face I make is one of horror. I am buying tonight so I made light of the lofty prices. I wondered, would my brother order the Surf and Turf at 65 dollars knowing that this was the only payment he might get for past and future debts? He would also be ordering for his daughter who does not like to be bothered with these details. The waitress had put a small loaf of bread with honey butter in front of my niece. Her full attention was riveted on that home baked bread. Always comfortable with these dinner guests, the only one missing was my brother’s wife. We knew she would not want her daughter to have bread and butter. The waitress was of above average looks so I was already calculating 20% of a high sum. She was very good at bringing iced tea. Three refills for my niece so far although I wasn’t counting. Good times were had by all.
Life is just a bunch of moments. What if I kicked the bucket tomorrow?
Billions before me have already kicked it. Nobody really knows where you are going. This mystery is very scary. I will keep going, I will carry on. Enjoying life whenever possible.
I have goals: I want to make whoopie with a woman at least one more time. I want to get a kidney transplant and get my energy back. I want to fall in love. If I can achieve all three goals I expect many more happy moments.
My mom was very sleepy, up early for our back to school. She made five bag lunches. At lunch I saw that my bologna sandwich was missing the bologna. My mom often shorted me. She knew I had gone in the kitchen late at night and ate the bologna meant for the next day’s lunch.
At an early age I was stealing from the pantry and fridge. My hunger was insatiable: Mom caught me in the kitchen and I quickly stuck a dripping peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my husky jeans pocket. The misshapen PB&J had lint on it, but I just picked it off and ate it.
Food satisfied my soul. I never felt bad about getting more than my share.
The Joking Life 