A New Year

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This year I am going to act my age. I am going to be kind and generous, all the time. I am only going to eat lean meats, fruits,and vegetables. I am going to be proud of who I am, and forget what my family thinks of me. I’m going to break a sweat more often. I am going to stop looking at women as sex objects. I’m going to take all my meds, legal and illegal. I’m going to do all these things. This Year.

Achieving Butt Crack

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May I rest my finger on your butt crack? At ten years old I asked her ,because I had been smacked very hard before. I negotiated this move and It paid off. My hand never ventured inside of her jeans. This uncharted territory would have to wait until I was twelve and drunk. The reaction I got fromĀ  this simple laying of finger was to have a rocket ready to spit up. Amazing. Few things have affected my life more than this.

She is coming

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She has agreed to move in with me. I am going to clean my house, and brush my teeth regularly. She drinks white wine. I may pick up ten bottles. She does not like marijuana. I am quitting next week. She could be after my money. I don’t have any. She says that she loves me. I don’t know if that is true, but it is sure nice to hear.

marriage

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I am an old bachelor. I have never said the words, will you marry me. My health has taken a turn for the worse with failing kidneys. I am lonely like never before. A girlfriend from my past happened to call and I told her of my situation. She drove eight hours, and stayed with me for the week of my surgery. Her kindness, and the sad feeling I felt after she left has me ready to pop the question. I am ready to get down on my good knee and say, will you marry me?

Too much rain

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If it doesn’t stop raining I am going to build an arc like Noah. I won’t be able to catch two of every species but I can grab a couple squirrels, a couple rabbits, and my dog. I’ll call my old girlfriend, she can’t swim. She might like to spend some time with me rather than perish in the deep water. I think we are too old to repopulate mankind, but after a long voyage watching rabbits she might want to get cozy. I will bring plenty of food including a large bag of potato chips, and some frozen burritos. We will need hot food so I will bring my microwave. When the waters recede I hope we end up in Monte Carlo, not Cleveland.

big splash

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Woosh, when my fat body hits the water there is an explosion. When I surface there is always some kid shaking his head, or laughing. Maybe it is the size of my butt, or the shape of my body, I can really make a big splash. I am going broke, My future doesn’t look rosy, but nobody can make a splash like I do.

Dear Higher Power

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Dear higher power please make everything go right in the next six months. In return I will be kind even to people who are really stupid. I will double my donations to charity, last year it was $7.00. My worse cuss word will be darn,and I will never use the F word unless I have a bodily injury.
Help me higher power, please