Young, Wild, and Hungry

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I once lived for two weeks in a tiny Ford Festiva.
Everything in my life had gone bad: no job, no home, no money. I still had my car, and at that young age I was not worried. But when my food ran out I did get a little wild.
I went into a bar called, The Old Town Tavern. I sat next to a very large, round woman. She was chugging beers, and doing shots of tequila. She invited me to her apartment. I looked at her and thought, “There has to be a lot of food there.”

While I was looking in her loaded refrigerator, she had gone into the bathroom. I was shocked when I walked into her room. She’d put on a small black teddy. She said “I’m messed up and I want to fool around.”

I was younger then, I was hungry, and, unbelievably, I had a boner. I climbed on top of her and gave it my best for about 2 minutes.
As I was getting up and off, she asked me, “Is it in yet?”
I said “I’m not sure.”

Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed two bagels and a box of Velveeta, and ran out the door.
Oh to be young again!

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She is coming

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She has agreed to move in with me. I am going to clean my house, and brush my teeth regularly. She drinks white wine. I may pick up ten bottles. She does not like marijuana. I am quitting next week. She could be after my money. I don’t have any. She says that she loves me. I don’t know if that is true, but it is sure nice to hear.

marriage

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I am an old bachelor. I have never said the words, will you marry me. My health has taken a turn for the worse with failing kidneys. I am lonely like never before. A girlfriend from my past happened to call and I told her of my situation. She drove eight hours, and stayed with me for the week of my surgery. Her kindness, and the sad feeling I felt after she left has me ready to pop the question. I am ready to get down on my good knee and say, will you marry me?

Stress test

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My doctor didn’t tell me that my stress test would be stressful. It was partly my fault because my loose shorts kept falling down. This hindered my stride, with one hand holding my shorts up. First the nurse, who looked like a boxer, shaved my chest with a razor that pulled out more hair then it shaved. Then, with many wires attached, she told me to get on the treadmill.
I think she was trying to break me down. She had the treadmill on its highest incline. I was running and sucking air through my eyes, my ears, my mouth and my nose. I was getting ready to collapse and fall, possibly tearing off all my wires and sliding back, a heap on the floor. “That’s it. You’re done,” she said.
My heart passed the test, my heart that has been broken so many times

Red Sports Car

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From the angle of her sunglasses I can tell the woman in front of me, in the red sports car, is looking at me.  I’ll suck in my cheeks, and give her my handsomest look.  Now she is twirling her hair with her finger.  She must like what she is seeing.  I’m pulling up beside her.  Shit, It’s a man.  He is smiling and waving.  You better behave, you ugly pervert.

Dear Higher Power

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Dear higher power please make everything go right in the next six months. In return I will be kind even to people who are really stupid. I will double my donations to charity, last year it was $7.00. My worse cuss word will be darn,and I will never use the F word unless I have a bodily injury.
Help me higher power, please

Bucket list

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1 Star in x rated movie
2 Sail to Tahiti with all girl crew
3 Have relationship with hippopotamus
4 Write blog that changes mankind
5 Go to nudist camp with underwear on
6 Get e-mail from Jesus
7 Ask Bill Gates to lend me 1 million dollars
8 Fall hopelessly in love with myself