How to Quit

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I’ve worked over forty-nine jobs in the Frederick County area.  That’s given me a wide range of work experiences, especially how to quit and how to get fired.  I now command salaries of up to nine dollars an hour.

At my last job, my boss, Jena, a rather attractive woman asked me to please get to work. I winked at her and said, “Jena, there is nothing wrong with getting a little behind.”
That was my last day there.

I have sales experience in jewelry, real estate, fire alarms, frozen steaks, furniture, and marijuana. None of these jobs was lucrative, but selling marijuana helped me to get laid once.

One of my qualities is that I take jobs that require mindless labor and no responsibility, and focus on getting to know my co-workers.  On the clock, I’m a real people person.

My main requirement now is that I work with women. My motto has always been: Work hard, play hard, but don’t play hard to get.  I’ve always appreciated promiscuous female co-workers–without them, I wouldn’t have had nearly as much sex on the job.

I’m currently seeking employment as a Mystery Shopper inside dialysis clinics.  Keeping a close eye on nurses comes naturally to me.

When I look back at my past, I can see that my future has to be better. It can’t be any worse.  It is always darkest just before the light.

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St. Patrick and the CIA

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Thanks to Wikipedia I now know that St. Patrick used the three leaves on a shamrock to explain the holy trinity to Irish pagans.

Thanks to WikiLeaks I now know that the CIA and any hacker who wants to is watching me through my tv set.

My only question now is, how can I install a WordPress dashboard on my tv to see who’s watching me and how can I monetize that?  When someone wants to take a peek at me on my couch, I’d like to make them watch an ad first.

A Summer Proposal

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In the summer of 2016, after dinner on the screened porch, in front of her son and his girlfriend, I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me.  With blushing cheeks she said yes.

We are two longtime independent people.  We have yet to set the date to tie the knot.  There is no time limit on being engaged.  I think it is the next best thing to marriage.

Stick Me

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Tired black men and senior citizens in wheelchairs all looking very drained.   These are my Dialysis clinic buddies.

“Mr. Lebherz, I’m going to stick you today.”  The technician is ready to go. She pushes two needles into my arm.  They are the size of small nails with tubes attached.  The cleaning process has started.  I sit for the next four hours.  Four hours of reading, television, and looking around the room at my buddies who look like they are ready to pass out or kick the bucket.

Take care of your kidneys.

How’s the writing going?

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My niece/web editor asks me almost everyday, how’s the writing going, got anything good to post?

But, I haven’t felt like writing lately–I sit and stare at my pens and tablets, and then I go see what my new roommate is up to.

From going vegetarian, I’ve lost so much weight that my scale doesn’t know what to say.  When I step on, it used to tell me “One at a time, please,” but now it asks, “Stephen?  Is that you?”  I never thought I would miss its fat jokes.

What do you do to keep writing when you don’t feel like you have anything good to say?  How do you get back into writing when you’ve gotten out of your routine?

Bon Voyage

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My father has gone into an assisted living home. I have to move out of the house I was born in–
A middle-aged man being thrust back into the world.
I am thinking, what is important to me? It is important that I do what’s right for my father. It is important that I continue to get high on high-grade marijuana. It is important that my dog is spoiled in a manner that he is used to since I took over his supervision. Entering a new phase of my life, I will remember these words: The only thing to fear is fear itself.
My next residence will be in the house next door. Good luck on your journey, Stephen, and Bon Voyage.

He is gone

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He moved to Tranquillity. I am walking around the house in my underwear. He is gone. I took the longest shower using way too much water, and  every light and tv in the house is on. He is gone, and he left his booze and seven bottles of wine. He is gone.  the house smells like high grade marijuana. He is gone. I don’t have to cook dinner, and I can go low-carb. I don’t have to stock cookies, bread or cherry pie.. He is gone , safe and settled. . I am free to do as I please. Hell Yes.