A ninety-six year old women starts getting horny again. She goes to the adult
toy store. “I need a sex toy”, she tells the man at the counter. He points at a
wall where there are many dildos hanging. “I’ll take that big red one” the great grandmother says. “I cant sell you that” the salesmen smirks. “Why not”, granny says.
“Because that’s the fire extinguisher”.
This is going to be the best day of my life…..despite kidney dialysis, a new, rather moody female friend, a future that may include a kidney transplant, and moving from my home of fifty years. I may resume a long dead sex life. I am not going to live as long as my father, who is ninety seven. The idea that I have a serious illness is making me live like today is going to be the best day of my life.
In a good mood, I gave Nurse Mary the thumbs up. She got a mean look on her face and gave me the finger. Dewayne in the chair next to me saw this and told me she was signaling that I was number one. This is the third finger she has given me. She once told me she was on her third divorce. That all men are assholes.
I’m still going to keep a positive outlook on this. I think she may want me. I lost over two pounds last month and this is going to spur me on to perfect my body. When she finally succumbs to my charms, she will be impressed.
Nothing terrible is ever going to happen to me.
I will be totally healthy until I die.
I will go to heaven.
I will always be incredibly happy.
There is no time like the present to start thinking positive.
I loved Candice as I love all good-looking women. She told me she was leaving to head a new clinic on Forty. I told her I wanted to go there. I couldn’t take it that she was leaving, and, it was much closer to my house. The Grand Opening party was interesting–Candice, who had shown no real interest in me before, gave me a tremendous hug in front of some local dignitaries. She knew she was not going to see me again. The new clinic doesn’t take my insurance.
Life is just a bunch of moments. What if I kicked the bucket tomorrow?
Billions before me have already kicked it. Nobody really knows where you are going. This mystery is very scary. I will keep going, I will carry on. Enjoying life whenever possible.
I have goals: I want to make whoopie with a woman at least one more time. I want to get a kidney transplant and get my energy back. I want to fall in love. If I can achieve all three goals I expect many more happy moments.
We sat on a circle of rocks covered with moss a vivid green. The embers of our fire glowed red hot. High powered medicinal sour diesel OG kush lifted our spirits. A near nirvana moment. We celebrated the new season. Grateful for what we have. Strengthening our souls and minds for whatever comes next.
I choke up when it comes time to give the toast. I would like to give a toast since it is my birthday. I turn to catch her eye and raise my glass.
Here’s to Jo. She keeps me going. She has stayed two years with a man who had it easy and now has it hard.
I could not have made it without her presence. She can always stay.
In April I will turn 60. Hell, I am still waiting for puberty to wrap up. I have loved–it was mostly for animals–humans and dogs. When I was younger I smelled fresher, but now PU.
If my health insurance gets canceled that’s it. I am going to take 40 Ambien, sixteen shots of Tequila, eat 1 lb of bad sushi, then eat two whole Dominos large pizzas with extra cheese and four toppings. If that doesn’t kill me nothing will. I just hope I don’t wake up from that.
Bob, your job is done.
Time to relax, have some fun!
Try to be young, young at heart.
Try to forget: you are an old fart.
The bills will be due.
The tax man is lurking.
No worries–Marybeth is still working
Why work? What’s the point?
If it was me, I would smoke a joint.
Try to relax!
You and wifey can talk…
until she says, Bob please take a long walk.
Don’t get old, heavens above!
Stay the same:
The man we all love.
The Joking Life 