Wag the Dog

A man takes his dog to the veterinarian and says, “Please cut his tail off.”
The shocked vet. says, “Why?”
The man replies, “My mother in law is coming over,
and I don’t want anything to make her feel welcome.

A Pirate Walks into a Bar

A pirate walks into a bar.
He has a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender says, “Pirate, you have a steering wheel in your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrgh! And it’s driving me nuts!”

The Pantyhose Factory

Fred wants to open a pantyhose factory so he puts a help wanted sign in the window.
A man comes in, and Fred says, “What do you do?”
The man says, “I sew the waistbands in pantyhose.”
“Fine,” Fred says,”get back there and get to work.”
A second man comes in and Fred says,”What do you do?”
The man says, “I sew the crotches in pantyhose.”
“Fine,” Fred says, “get back there and get to work.”
A third man comes in, he appears to be drunk.
Fred says, “what do you do?”
“I am a deeslefitter,” the man replies.
“A deeslefitter?” Fred says, “OK, get back there and get to work.”

Fred goes to check on his workers. The first man sews the waistband in the pantyhose, then hands it to the second man, who sews the crotch in the pantyhose then hands it to the third man who pulls the pantyhose over his head and yells, “DEES ‘LE FITT ‘ER!”

Improves With Age

As a nurse restrained a crazy old man to his nursing home bed, he yelled,

“Nurse, you’re a pig.  Forty years ago, I took my pecker in both my hands and could not bend it!”

“Shut up, old man,” she sassed back, as she secured another strap. 

The old man fought and yelled, “Nurse, you are ugly.  Twenty years ago, I took my pecker in both my hands and could not bend it.”

“Be quiet old man!” she replied and buckled the final strap. He kept going:

“Nurse, last night I took my pecker in both my hands, and I bent it.”

The nurse said, “Well, I guess you aren’t the man you use to be.”

He smiled and said, “No, Nurse, I’m getting stronger!”

I Gave Up Golf

I gave up golf–  I couldn’t see my balls.

One Liners III

Summer is the only time people tell me I look hot.

One Liners II

 

I need a new butt–mine has a crack in it.

One Liners I

When I was born the doctor looked at my rear end and said, “Oh twins!”

The Lion Tamers’ Interview

The zookeeper needs to hire a lion tamer, so he posts a help wanted ad in the paper.
The next day two people show up:
a beautiful 25-year-old woman and a crusty looking old man.
The zookeeper says, “I need to see who can tame my lion. Young lady, get in the cage, and see what you can do.”
She slowly gets into the cage. The lion approaches her growling.
She suddenly throws open her coat, and she is totally naked.
The lion starts licking her body from head to toe over and over than falls asleep at her feet.
Amazed, the zookeeper looks at the old man, and says,
“Can you beat that?”

The old man says, “Yeah, just get rid of that lion.”

Samples

My doctor told me right away he would need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample. I gave him my underwear and got out of there.