A man takes his dog to the veterinarian and says, “Please cut his tail off.”
The shocked vet. says, “Why?”
The man replies, “My mother in law is coming over,
and I don’t want anything to make her feel welcome.
A pirate walks into a bar.
He has a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender says, “Pirate, you have a steering wheel in your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrgh! And it’s driving me nuts!”
Fred wants to open a pantyhose factory so he puts a help wanted sign in the window.
A man comes in, and Fred says, “What do you do?”
The man says, “I sew the waistbands in pantyhose.”
“Fine,” Fred says,”get back there and get to work.”
A second man comes in and Fred says,”What do you do?”
The man says, “I sew the crotches in pantyhose.”
“Fine,” Fred says, “get back there and get to work.”
A third man comes in, he appears to be drunk.
Fred says, “what do you do?”
“I am a deeslefitter,” the man replies.
“A deeslefitter?” Fred says, “OK, get back there and get to work.”
Fred goes to check on his workers. The first man sews the waistband in the pantyhose, then hands it to the second man, who sews the crotch in the pantyhose then hands it to the third man who pulls the pantyhose over his head and yells, “DEES ‘LE FITT ‘ER!”
As a nurse restrained a crazy old man to his nursing home bed, he yelled,
“Nurse, you’re a pig. Forty years ago, I took my pecker in both my hands and could not bend it!”
“Shut up, old man,” she sassed back, as she secured another strap.
The old man fought and yelled, “Nurse, you are ugly. Twenty years ago, I took my pecker in both my hands and could not bend it.”
“Be quiet old man!” she replied and buckled the final strap. He kept going:
“Nurse, last night I took my pecker in both my hands, and I bent it.”
The nurse said, “Well, I guess you aren’t the man you use to be.”
He smiled and said, “No, Nurse, I’m getting stronger!”
I gave up golf– I couldn’t see my balls.
Summer is the only time people tell me I look hot.
I need a new butt–mine has a crack in it.