Shedding Ruby

Receiving my first french kiss in years, I remembered what

a pleasant thing it was to do. Then I noticed my date trying to

pull a hair off of her tongue. It was one of Ruby’s hairs I’m sure.

I’m sure it came from my lips or my tongue. Ruby’s hairs float in

air, and had become attached to my lips before, I hoped it was not

from my tongue. My date was struggling to get this micro thin

hair off her tongue. I saw it and grabbed it with my thumb and

index finger. She didn’t mind, I just figured my tongue was in there

so my fingers would be OK. If you have an Australian Shepard you

have to be aware of their hair.

Horny Again

A ninety-six year old women starts getting horny again. She goes to the adult

toy store. “I need a sex toy”, she tells the man at the counter. He points at a

wall where there are many dildos hanging. “I’ll take that big red one” the great grandmother says.  “I cant sell you that” the salesmen smirks. “Why not”, granny says.

“Because that’s the fire extinguisher”.

Big Breasts, Broken Heart

“She had big breasts!” Shorty exclaimed as he came out of a room at my party.  “It was totally dark in there but I know she had big breasts.”  He held his hand in the air and made a squeezing motion followed by prolonged laughter.  Then Carol came out of the dark room.  She was my girlfriend.  Her shirt was undone.  She did have big breasts.  I looked at the ground.  I suffered a broken heart.

she told the police

My best friend told the police I beat her. They came to confiscate my guns. I loved her. I took care of her when she fell in the parking lot of the East street coffee shop and broke her wrist.  I told them I had a BB gun.  They left papers which she wrote and signed that I threw her down the stairs.  She left in the Chevy  Cruize I had co-signed a loan on. It took three months , lots of money and a Good Lawyer to rectify the situation.  I loved her.

The Moments To Come

Life is just a bunch of moments.  What if I kicked the bucket tomorrow?

Billions before me have already kicked it.  Nobody really knows where you are going. This mystery is very scary.  I will keep going, I will carry on.  Enjoying life whenever possible.

I have goals: I want to make whoopie with a woman at least one more time.  I want to get a kidney transplant and get my energy back.  I want to fall in love.  If I can achieve all three goals I expect many more happy moments.

Love and Marriage

We are not yet married but she has already assumed the role of one who must be obeyed.  I cringe when she talks of pain in her back and my world spirals down like a Netflix horror movie.  As we lie in bed, the sheets move and bad smells happen.  She does sometimes say excuse me in a creepy voice. 

We speak.  She says, “the dog is peeing on the coat you left on the floor. You are a slob.”

We are looking forward to marriage.

Back to the Rocky Mountain Way

Vance G was a crazy character.  On the way back from away football games he would lead the team in singing, “spent the last year Rocky Mountain way,” then the team sang “ba na na na,” and then Vance, “couldn’t get much higher.”  The team sang, “ba na na na.”  This bonded us.  He even sang it after a loss, which infuriated our head coach.

Later in life we shared a house.  He was a womanizer which was fine with me.  We had women coming and going.  The sounds emanating from his room became a bit much, so I wore earplugs.  When three of his rent checks bounced, we got into a fist fight.  After that our friendship was never the same.  He died several years back at the age of fifty from a brain infection.  He will not be forgotten by me and not by many women.

How to Quit

I’ve worked over forty-nine jobs in the Frederick County area.  That’s given me a wide range of work experiences, especially how to quit and how to get fired.  I now command salaries of up to nine dollars an hour.

At my last job, my boss, Jena, a rather attractive woman asked me to please get to work. I winked at her and said, “Jena, there is nothing wrong with getting a little behind.”
That was my last day there.

I have sales experience in jewelry, real estate, fire alarms, frozen steaks, furniture, and marijuana. None of these jobs was lucrative, but selling marijuana helped me to get laid once.

One of my qualities is that I take jobs that require mindless labor and no responsibility, and focus on getting to know my co-workers.  On the clock, I’m a real people person.

My main requirement now is that I work with women. My motto has always been: Work hard, play hard, but don’t play hard to get.  I’ve always appreciated promiscuous female co-workers–without them, I wouldn’t have had nearly as much sex on the job.

I’m currently seeking employment as a Mystery Shopper inside dialysis clinics.  Keeping a close eye on nurses comes naturally to me.

When I look back at my past, I can see that my future has to be better. It can’t be any worse.  It is always darkest just before the light.

Spread Cheer

Elevator! Elevator! We got the shaft!  The cheerleaders are doing a bang up job tonight.  My prom date is co-captain. Her blond hair bobs into the air as she drops down to do a split.  Her bouncing skirt revealing for a split second something that I would never get.  My life is like that. You can’t always get what you want. I couldn’t get what I really needed.

Here a Nip, There a Tuck

Since I am always in the doghouse with my girlfriend, I would like to find a plastic surgeon to marry.  A nip here, a tuck there, I could look twenty years younger. Then a kidney transplant, and replace other organs that  have taken a beating. I’ll be good as new and ready for sex, drugs, and rock and roll.