Louie has a Pedigree

Just my luck that my soul mate in life turns out to be a dog. We can spend lot’s of time together and never argue, even though he never listens. We sleep together, and on my restless nights I might knock him off the bed . He doesn’t complain. He just goes back to sleep. What a trooper. When I run out of dog food he might eat liverwurst or pancakes, whatever I am having. His breath stinks but not like my old girlfriend’s.

President Obama saved me

The high cost of medical care was killing me. I now have Obamacare and Now I can afford prescription drugs and have money left for my still Illegal favorite drug. I’m not sure if President Obama has helped the country financially, but he has helped me immensely. He is the only President that If I were to to meet him in person, I would shake his hand, and give him a big hug. He has helped a lot of people. I like him.

Signs of Spring

After I walked down a long hill into the woods, I had to turn around and walk back up the hill. This made me and the dog breath very hard. His breath smells awful–I chew gum.
I had to stop and give him a rest.
When the squirrel jumped out and grabbed a nut, I jumped up and ran for ten yards.
I didn’t know I could still run.
When wildlife goes crazy like that, I nearly pooped in my pants, which could have been significant weight loss.
Thank God I didn’t, because this was a long uphill walk and I would have had some third degree chafing by the end.

Saturday Night Out

I’m going to a bar tonight. My attitude will be adjusted before I walk into the bar. I not trying to pick up a woman. I don’t really want to get drunk. I just want to have a good time and not get in any trouble. I’m going to go out and see what’s happening. If a good looking woman wants to take me home, I will go.

Dirty Laundry

My old girlfriend refused to do my laundry. She said one pair of my pants was a whole load. She said that I could play golf in my underwear because they had eighteen holes. She moved away, and now I have to do my laundry, and sometimes I must admit I put plastic gloves on before I handle my used underwear. You can never be to safe.

Hey Grandma Ruth

Hey grandma I am going to eat some pop tarts. Grandma was at her card table playing solitaire. The Yankee game was on the radio, grandma was from Manhattan, New York. She is Jewish and knows what I like to eat everyday when I come over from our house. Her furniture is covered with thick clear plastic covers. Do you want me to give Butchie a cold hot dog? I gave him one . I think Grandma is sleeping. . Butchie’s belly drags on the ground from all he gets fed. Butchie and I are really getting fat , and we both like cold hot dogs. Butchie and I are really enjoying ourselves as Grandma is snoring. I would go sit with Grandma but sitting on that plastic makes my butt get hot. Bye Grandma.

Worried about kicking the bucket

Ready for a relaxing Sunday, my brother called to say Dad’s going to to the emergency room because his digestion isn’t working right. That’s when I realized that I had fixed him his favorite salmon dinner just two nights earlier. He had consumed enough for three people. He also mentioned that night that he was taking extra mineral oils for his digestion. I don’t always listen closely to his comments like that at the dinner table. When he ended up at the hospital I knew this could be information which the team of crack nurses and doctors at the emergency room would need to know. I grabbed the dog and headed in town. He will be ninety-four in September. Just like the rest of us, he is afraid of kicking the bucket. It all came out OK in the end. When you help someone it makes you feel good sometimes.

Showboat Hall

There is a stoop shouldered man painting my pump house. He looks old, although he is the same age as me. He could really play basketball back in high school, and, by all accounts a handsome young man, but with an attitude problem. We called him Showboat, and in those days I was proud that he was my friend. He was a star on the basketball team. His attitude hurt his career, and some might say hurt his life. He did a great job on my pump house, which is white, with hunter green trimming. It hasn’t looked this good in fifty years. I told boat he did a great job. I paid him, and dropped him off at the liquor store, he was happy as tickled baby.

Touch up my Resume

Time to touch up the old resume. Let me see, should I give them the phone number of my last employer, hell no. Although I am a good worker, when my employment is terminated, I tend to go out with a bang. One time I threw a large pot full of hot Brussels Sprouts all over the kitchen floor and stomped through them on my way out the door. I am a crazy cook with little patience. A bad combination for long term employment. I have always gotten jobs, it is keeping them that I’m not good at. So fudge the Resume again, get a job , get a check. That is what life is all about.

Feeling like James bond

My old VW was running like an Aston Martin tonight. The three Martinis had me shaken but not stirred. I’m feeling like James bond 007. I think I might kill a whopper at the drive through. Where are all the bond girls tonight? If a laser beam is headed for my groin area will I escape before disaster. Odd Job could hit me in the face any minute with his deadly hat. That women looks like she could use my goldfinger . I think I’m going to hit the ejector switch, and shoot out of my sun roof at high speed. I’ll come back to Earth tomorrow.