Love and Heartburn

Life can be challenging. My doctor told me I have something called GERD. I must stop drinking alcohol.  Fried foods and chocolate are a no-no. These were my favorite things in the world next to marijuana. I told this to my girlfriend. I think she blocks out most of what I say–she suggested we go get a drink.  I tell myself one bourbon won’t hurt. The fried cheese balls she orders are only inches from my reach. I eat a few. On the way home she breaks off a corner of a Hershey bar and says, “go ahead it’s only a little piece.”  Later the burping brings acid from my stomach into my esophagus.  The heartburn pain is unbearable. Tums don’t work at all. I have learned my lesson. No more alcohol, chocolate or Fried foods. Most important avoid my girlfriend whenever possible or suffer in pain and agony…

Dear Higher Power

Dear higher power please make everything go right in the next six months. In return I will be kind even to people who are really stupid. I will double my donations to charity, last year it was $7.00. My worse cuss word will be darn,and I will never use the F word unless I have a bodily injury.
Help me higher power, please

Not my glory days

Hugging and talking to my dog isn’t cutting it anymore. I have to get out there and meet some human beings. I would like to meet someone with similar interests. Eating and breathing are my big interests–I don’t drink much anymore. O ccasionally I will have a vodka and Metamucil. I would like to meet someone who enjoys peace and quiet. I might hang out at the library.

zumba dancer

I want to be a zumba dancer. Gyrating my hips in a room full of sweating women. This is not going to happen.

I want to go on safari in Africa. Riding on the back of a giant elephant. This is not going to happen.

I want to climb Mt. Everest and be on top of the world. This is not going to happen

I want to eat a whole pizza, with extra cheese and pepperoni. This is going to happen.

I loved Las Vegas

“Stevie do you want to go to Las Vegas . I will pay for everything.” Oh no, my big boned cousin from out west has made me an offer I can’t refuse. There is no telling what might happen when the two of us get plastered. Yes I will go. I was 24, and ready for adventure. My cousin seemed nice even though she worked as a prison guard. I didn’t know what the sleeping arrangements would be but I was not going to sleep in the same bed with her for sure.I am not like that. I loved Las Vegas. We gambled and lost her money, we ate too much and drank too much. What happened in our plush suite in the Stratosphere Tower that night? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

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I went hiking with this older hippie chick. She had hair down to her waist and when she let her hair down she resembled cousin it on The Addams Family. She didn’t have any shoes on and intended to walk barefoot. I’m getting less picky but something tells this woman might be a little too goo-goo.

If you are going to act like a flower child that’s fine but don’t complain when I start acting like act like Tarzan and swing on a vine from tree to tree. If she gets near the creek I will splash her and try and get her shirt wet. Wow she has a nice body. She is pissed though, I better get her a towel.

Symptoms

A doctor has asked me to monitor my daily health. Through keen observation I have noted some strange things and will report the following.

1 If I go up more than two flights of stairs smoke comes out of my left ear.

2 My heart skips a beat if a naked woman walks past me.

3 When I am kicked in the groin I will hear ringing in my ears the next day.

4 My temperature will go down if I sit on a bag of ice.

What do you do?

What do you do when you are given some drastic health news.
1 You go a little nutty for a few days. I went a whole day not realizing my shorts were on backwards.
2 You feel angry that you did not follow doctor’s orders for fifteen years.
3 You start being nice to people. I even started a conversation with a big fat women on the treadmill next to me at the gym. Strangers always like me better than people that know me.
4 You realize everyday is a gift. Sadness, fear,anger, no sex, sobriety, these are things to leave in the past.

Saturday Night Out

I’m going to a bar tonight. My attitude will be adjusted before I walk into the bar. I not trying to pick up a woman. I don’t really want to get drunk. I just want to have a good time and not get in any trouble. I’m going to go out and see what’s happening. If a good looking woman wants to take me home, I will go.

Dirty Laundry

My old girlfriend refused to do my laundry. She said one pair of my pants was a whole load. She said that I could play golf in my underwear because they had eighteen holes. She moved away, and now I have to do my laundry, and sometimes I must admit I put plastic gloves on before I handle my used underwear. You can never be to safe.