Hold Me Tight

She put a latex glove on my hand.  Her name is Suebee.  She is from Nepal.  When she pulls the one inch needle from my bicep she covers the hole with gauze.  She tapes it, then I put my finger on it so it can clot.  She walks away.

The blood streams out from under my finger. Suebee I’m bleeding, I yell.  By the time she comes back a puddle is forming under my arm.  More gauze, more pressing.  She smells like Lilies of the Valley. When I stand up I tell her, if it looks like I’m going to fall please wrap your arms around me tightly.  She says, shut up Stephen.

Love and Marriage

We are not yet married but she has already assumed the role of one who must be obeyed.  I cringe when she talks of pain in her back and my world spirals down like a Netflix horror movie.  As we lie in bed, the sheets move and bad smells happen.  She does sometimes say excuse me in a creepy voice. 

We speak.  She says, “the dog is peeing on the coat you left on the floor. You are a slob.”

We are looking forward to marriage.

Spread Cheer

Elevator! Elevator! We got the shaft!  The cheerleaders are doing a bang up job tonight.  My prom date is co-captain. Her blond hair bobs into the air as she drops down to do a split.  Her bouncing skirt revealing for a split second something that I would never get.  My life is like that. You can’t always get what you want. I couldn’t get what I really needed.

The First Time I Met Her

She wore a knitted cap. Her legs were very skinny. She was from New Orleans.

She liked to drink. She was a laugher.  I liked her hair. We talked for hours. I walked her home. She was staying at the shelter for abused women. We kissed.

Dreaming of the Glamour Life

I thought I would grow up to be a secret agent.  Women with incredible bodies would want me inside of them.  I would kill bad spies often with a hail of enemy bullets coming right at me.  With one shot of my shiny black revolver I would kill them.  My love-making would be legendary.  My gambling winnings in the millions.  One night sleeping with a woman whose name was Pussy Galore.  I thought I would be Bond, James Bond.  Killer, Lover, Good shot.  This never came about. We always have our dreams.

Warning: Relationships May Cause Hemorrhoids

When you get totally angry at someone and in return they get furious with you, yet neither of you go anywhere, that is called being in a relationship. This behavior can occur over and over again, causing high blood pressure, stress, and hemorrhoid flare up.

Why does this childish phenomena occur?  Is it just poor communication?  A need to be the one who is right?  Or just the fact that we somehow need to hurt the one we love.  I don’t know but I need to figure this out.

All you need is love. Love is all you need.

Comfort Zone

For the last seven years, my partner in bed has been my dog, Louie.  I put up with his horrendous breath, and he puts up with my snoring.  He sleeps with his rear end pushed against mine, and we both emit loudly upon awakening, which warms us on cold mornings.  My girlfriend won’t sleep in the same room with me. My dog is there every night.  If I pet him a couple times, he will lick himself for nearly an hour. I have to smack him and tell him to stop it…but, I have unconditional love for Louie. I like my girlfriend too.

Have I Been Nice Enough?

Santa is coming.  I hope he brings me a new car for Christmas.  The check engine light has been on in my car for a few years.  It is German-made, too complicated to fix, or maybe I’m projecting.  My dog, Louie the fourteenth, is my main passenger, which is why my swanky dash is covered with dog hair. We travel country roads every day and when he sees a cow, he barks and licks his lips.  When we get to the park he jumps from back seat to front seat eager to get out and walk and have a dooky.  If someone is watching I just keep pulling him forward while he is going because I’m not picking it up.  What’s one dog turd going to hurt when there is duck poop everywhere? The sun is out, the sky is blue, we are on our walk, it’s a good day.

Leaves Falling

The cycle of life and death continues all around me.  The leaves fall and cover the grass that my father worked so hard for decades to maintain.  Everybody who lives in this old house has to deal with the leaves falling down.  It’s tempting to leave them there, but then the grass will die, and by March, the yard will be a brown muddy mess.

Although I don’t like the fall and winter, this year I am looking forward to sharing Thanksgiving with my roommate.  We will see how many vegetarian dishes go well with gravy.

Stuck

An old man went into the sperm bank and says to the nurse, “Miss, I want to make a contribution.”
The nurse laughs and says, “Get out of here, old man!”
He says, “Please, nurse I can do it.”

Cocking one eyebrow, she hands him a jar and says, “Go in that room. You have 15 minutes.”

Exactly 15 minutes later, he comes back with an empty jar.
He hands it to the nurse and says, “Nurse, I twisted and I pulled, but I just couldn’t get the lid off the jar.”