Shedding Ruby

Receiving my first french kiss in years, I remembered what

a pleasant thing it was to do. Then I noticed my date trying to

pull a hair off of her tongue. It was one of Ruby’s hairs I’m sure.

I’m sure it came from my lips or my tongue. Ruby’s hairs float in

air, and had become attached to my lips before, I hoped it was not

from my tongue. My date was struggling to get this micro thin

hair off her tongue. I saw it and grabbed it with my thumb and

index finger. She didn’t mind, I just figured my tongue was in there

so my fingers would be OK. If you have an Australian Shepard you

have to be aware of their hair.

Horny Again

A ninety-six year old women starts getting horny again. She goes to the adult

toy store. “I need a sex toy”, she tells the man at the counter. He points at a

wall where there are many dildos hanging. “I’ll take that big red one” the great grandmother says.  “I cant sell you that” the salesmen smirks. “Why not”, granny says.

“Because that’s the fire extinguisher”.

she told the police

My best friend told the police I beat her. They came to confiscate my guns. I loved her. I took care of her when she fell in the parking lot of the East street coffee shop and broke her wrist.  I told them I had a BB gun.  They left papers which she wrote and signed that I threw her down the stairs.  She left in the Chevy  Cruize I had co-signed a loan on. It took three months , lots of money and a Good Lawyer to rectify the situation.  I loved her.

The liar

My mother was  was  going to die in the hospital. My brothers were there when she pointed at me and said in a scary voice, you are a liar. She said it three times. It creeped me out.  I said I hadn’t lied and I was not a liar.  Then she sat up, threw up, and said I was a big fat liar.  I left the room, she was very worn down and out of her mind.  I never watched a horror movie called The Exorcist again. It had been one of my favorites.

Depression go away

No Depression go away

I need to see the light of day

Sadness can have a grip on me

My own thoughts can set me free

Time is short I can’t waste it

Live my life as I see fit

I won’t let things get me down

Stop my bad thoughts from hanging around

No depression go away

I need to see the light of day

 

Think Good Thoughts

Nothing terrible is ever going to happen to me.

I will be totally healthy until I die.

I will go to heaven.

I will always be incredibly happy.

There is no time like the present to start thinking positive.

If I Only had a kidney

When a mans an empty kettle

He should be on his mettle

and yet I’m torn apart.

Just because I’m presumin

That I could be human

If I only had a kidney.

I’d be tender I’d be gentle

and awful sentimental

regarding love and art.

I’d be friends with the sparrows

and the boy who shoots the arrows,

If I only had a kidney.

Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion

and really feel the part

I could stay young and chipper

and I’d lock it with a zipper

If I only had a kidney

Enjoy Life

Tales from Dialysis, part 3

I noticed his color was bad. White as a ghost. They lifted him out of his wheelchair. They placed him in the chair next to me. I stopped looking. I could hear him talking. They had trouble getting his needles in. Ten minutes later his machine alarmed. The technician yelled for the nurse. Looking at him, then looking at his machine numbers, she yelled for the head nurse. That’s when I looked again. He looked dead. They tried to revive him for fifteen minutes. Then the rescue crew tried for another fifteen minutes. You can die that fast. Enjoy life.

Enjoy Life

Long ago I realized that I am two shots of cheap bourbon away from being happy. 

Or a bong hit of homegrown.

This has been a simple way of life for me.  I do not recommend this to anyone else.  I have been happier–the years from 1970 to 1979–but I was younger then. 

I will stop being bad when I die.

Enjoy life. Often.

Enjoy the Small Things

People on dialysis can have what experts call “fuzzy thinking.”  I had this before dialysis so it doesn’t bother me.

I’ve learned to enjoy the small things in life.  Small bites of pizza, small shots of booze, and small breasts.  You never know what life is going to throw at you.  I think my girlfriend would like to throw bricks.  Fortunately my head can break brick and there would only be a small wound.  My aches and pains are rapidly trying to turn me into a old man. Thank goodness I retain the mind of a sixteen-year-old. That I hope never changes.