My Funny Valentine

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Desperate after my tiger left me, I asked out a woman who I hoped had loose morals.  We now have reached the one year mark.  I have some love for her.  When she gets mad and yells, her face looks like a raging gorilla, much like mine.  My horrible health has helped to make me a very insecure man.  I’m holding on to her like a life saver.  When she is not angry she can be an angel.

Winter Blues Mania

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You might yell “eat shit and shut the hell up!” after a year of trying hard to make her care for you when you know she doesn’t like you.  You might be thinking she will have a nasty backlash.

You might walk the dogs, not to the usual closest grass patch to sniff and poop then back in the house, but on the longest walk ever, not wanting to stop an hour later, the dogs yanking you to the back door.

These are two examples of how I and many others suffer from mania in the middle of winter.  When spring comes, this surge of energy can cause your rise or your fall.  Know what it can do and be careful.

Driving with Grandma

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Even as a small boy I knew to buckle up when riding with Grandma Ruth.  I liked to ride in the back and her massively fat dog, Butchie, sat up front.  Ruth Weisburger could not see over the dash of her Ford Granada. I often saw her hit the brakes and Butchie’s head would ram into the glove box.  Once when we were dropping off her cook, a black man called Old John–he sat in the back with me–she sideswiped three parked cars.

She gave up her freedom with little fuss after that. What a trooper!  This saved lives, at least Butchie’s life.  I miss her dearly.

A Toast to My Dad

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Dad still enjoys moments of every day:

A bite of dessert, an afternoon snooze,

and, if no one is looking, a nice glass of booze.

He still laughs at my jokes–that is kind.

Especially since he can’t hear the punch lines.

He was a good provider although we had few perks.

When he came home from work, we’d hear, “Shut up, you jerks!”

Above all, he loved his wife Ann.                                                      Observing his life, you would say he is a good man.

We hope he lives many years. To Bob Lebherz, I say, Cheers!

Big Breasts, Broken Heart

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“She had big breasts!” Shorty exclaimed as he came out of a room at my party.  “It was totally dark in there but I know she had big breasts.”  He held his hand in the air and made a squeezing motion followed by prolonged laughter.  Then Carol came out of the dark room.  She was my girlfriend.  Her shirt was undone.  She did have big breasts.  I looked at the ground.  I suffered a broken heart.

Blood Puddle

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There was a blood puddle forming under his recliner.  The tech turned toward me and the head nurse and spoke loudly, “Help! His needle fell out.”  The tech’s white lab coat and face was spattered with blood.  The stream of blood that comes out of a port in your bicep is scary.  The nurse scooted over to that man and quickly got control.  Sometimes it takes longer to get it to stop.  When this happened to me, I first got a leg cramp then felt quite faint.

That’s My Boob!

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“That’s my boob!” Sandy, the charge nurse, exclaimed.  Mr. Gordon did indeed have his hand on Sandy’s small boob, I saw it.  Sandy went about her business.  Mr. Gordon, who recently had his leg amputated at the shin, had a smile on his face.

He is not long for this world.  He is grabbing a little life before he is gone.