She is coming

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She has agreed to move in with me. I am going to clean my house, and brush my teeth regularly. She drinks white wine. I may pick up ten bottles. She does not like marijuana. I am quitting next week. She could be after my money. I don’t have any. She says that she loves me. I don’t know if that is true, but it is sure nice to hear.

Bucket list

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1 Star in x rated movie
2 Sail to Tahiti with all girl crew
3 Have relationship with hippopotamus
4 Write blog that changes mankind
5 Go to nudist camp with underwear on
6 Get e-mail from Jesus
7 Ask Bill Gates to lend me 1 million dollars
8 Fall hopelessly in love with myself

I loved Las Vegas

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“Stevie do you want to go to Las Vegas . I will pay for everything.” Oh no, my big boned cousin from out west has made me an offer I can’t refuse. There is no telling what might happen when the two of us get plastered. Yes I will go. I was 24, and ready for adventure. My cousin seemed nice even though she worked as a prison guard. I didn’t know what the sleeping arrangements would be but I was not going to sleep in the same bed with her for sure.I am not like that. I loved Las Vegas. We gambled and lost her money, we ate too much and drank too much. What happened in our plush suite in the Stratosphere Tower that night? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

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I went hiking with this older hippie chick. She had hair down to her waist and when she let her hair down she resembled cousin it on The Addams Family. She didn’t have any shoes on and intended to walk barefoot. I’m getting less picky but something tells this woman might be a little too goo-goo.

If you are going to act like a flower child that’s fine but don’t complain when I start acting like act like Tarzan and swing on a vine from tree to tree. If she gets near the creek I will splash her and try and get her shirt wet. Wow she has a nice body. She is pissed though, I better get her a towel.

sex machine

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I may have to find employment in the male prostitution field. Nobody has hired me for my mind,so I have to sell my body. I will be my own boss, set my own hours,and with the right combination of drugs, and vitamins, I could still be a sex machine. I’m not sure what to charge but judging by my last intercourse two years ago I’m going to charge by the minute. I can’t wait to go to work. I’m going to go get some hot pants.

Symptoms

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A doctor has asked me to monitor my daily health. Through keen observation I have noted some strange things and will report the following.

1 If I go up more than two flights of stairs smoke comes out of my left ear.

2 My heart skips a beat if a naked woman walks past me.

3 When I am kicked in the groin I will hear ringing in my ears the next day.

4 My temperature will go down if I sit on a bag of ice.

the cow

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“Hey Wally, we put some angel dust in your bong hit,” they said. They were laughing, even though I was driving, and freaking out. Everything had turned into a movie. Nothing really bothered me, but I did ask, “What the hell is angel dust?”
That’s when I ran into the cow. There was a sudden stop. Nobody had seat belts on, and everybody changed their positions very quickly. We left the scene of the crime as fast as possible. Nobody was hurt. The cow was history.