Do You Want Me?

In a good mood, I gave Nurse Mary the thumbs up.  She got a mean look on her face and gave me the finger.  Dewayne in the chair next to me saw this and told me she was signaling that I was number one.  This is the third finger she has given me.  She once told me she was on her third divorce.  That all men are assholes.

I’m still going to keep a positive outlook on this.  I think she may want me.  I lost over two pounds last month and this is going to spur me on to perfect my body.  When she finally succumbs to my charms, she will be impressed.

Heartbreak and Heartburn

I didn’t think he was listening.  He asked how I lost all the weight.  I told him I had a bad break up with my live-in girlfriend.  I had constant gas pains and heartburn if I ate more than half a sandwich.  I stopped eating at the Burger King just down the hill.  I had conquered the munchies with fruit.  He said, no, I mean what diet were you on.  I told him I was on the get depressed and develop stomach troubles diet.  He said he had lost 30 pounds on Atkins once.  He now looked like a tub of lard.

Family Dinner Out

Dinner with my brother and his daughter was at a fine dining establishment.  “The crab imperial looks good,” I say.  Only the 40 next to it is outrageous.  The face I make is one of horror.  I am buying tonight so I made light of the lofty prices.  I wondered, would my brother order the Surf and Turf at 65 dollars knowing that this was the only payment he might get for past and future debts? He would also be ordering for his daughter who does not like to be bothered with these details.  The waitress had put a small loaf of bread with honey butter in front of my niece. Her full attention was riveted on that home baked bread.  Always comfortable with these dinner guests, the only one missing was my brother’s wife.  We knew she would not want her daughter to have bread and butter.  The waitress was of above average looks so I was already calculating 20% of a high sum.  She was very good at bringing iced tea.  Three refills for my niece so far although I wasn’t counting.  Good times were had by all.

Don’t Take My Joy

I follow a very restrictive kidney diet–for about two days.  That’s about how long I have ever lasted on a diet.  When I get really hungry you might find me in line at Subway ordering double meat, double cheese on a foot long roll.  All the vegetables, mayo and red pepper relish.

I eat this heavy meal very quickly.  I enjoy this short time period.  Call me a pig–I don’t care.  Do not take the joy out of my life.  I will fight back.

Love and Heartburn

Life can be challenging. My doctor told me I have something called GERD. I must stop drinking alcohol.  Fried foods and chocolate are a no-no. These were my favorite things in the world next to marijuana. I told this to my girlfriend. I think she blocks out most of what I say–she suggested we go get a drink.  I tell myself one bourbon won’t hurt. The fried cheese balls she orders are only inches from my reach. I eat a few. On the way home she breaks off a corner of a Hershey bar and says, “go ahead it’s only a little piece.”  Later the burping brings acid from my stomach into my esophagus.  The heartburn pain is unbearable. Tums don’t work at all. I have learned my lesson. No more alcohol, chocolate or Fried foods. Most important avoid my girlfriend whenever possible or suffer in pain and agony…

How’s the writing going?

My niece/web editor asks me almost everyday, how’s the writing going, got anything good to post?

But, I haven’t felt like writing lately–I sit and stare at my pens and tablets, and then I go see what my new roommate is up to.

From going vegetarian, I’ve lost so much weight that my scale doesn’t know what to say.  When I step on, it used to tell me “One at a time, please,” but now it asks, “Stephen?  Is that you?”  I never thought I would miss its fat jokes.

What do you do to keep writing when you don’t feel like you have anything good to say?  How do you get back into writing when you’ve gotten out of your routine?

Taboo

A priest says to the rabbi, “You don’t eat bacon?”
The rabbi says, “No, it’s against my religion.”

The rabbi says to the priest, “You don’t make love to women?”
The priest says, “No, that is against my religion.”

The rabbi says, “You should try it– it’s better than bacon.”

What Did You Eat Yesterday?

“Hey Mom, I’m not going to school today,” I announced.

“Oh… you’re not?  What is the matter?” she asked.

“Last night I threw up all over the toilet. I got some on my shirt.”

I showed her the stain on my shirt, which was really chocolate milk.

“Well what did you eat yesterday?” she asked.

I ate two big bowls of Lucky Charms.  I ate my school lunch and Tommy Smith’s lunch because he wasn’t hungry.  A couple people in the cafeteria gave me their cake.  After school I had Pop Tarts at Grandma’s with ice cream.  Then we had dinner–ham, green beans, potatoes, bread.  For a bedtime snack, I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

My mom said she was going to put me on a diet.  She said I should get upstairs, wipe off the toilet, and get ready for school.

Target Practice

The NRA gun instructor said, “You missed the target twenty times straight.”

Dad wanted me and my brother to learn to shoot a rifle. I think when I stared at the target I went cross-eyed. The instructor showed my dad the target with no holes in it.
This was another disappointment for my dad. It ranked right up there with getting beat up in school by a girl, noisily crapping my pants in church, and continuing to gain weight after he and Mom put me on a strict diet.

Too much rain

If it doesn’t stop raining I am going to build an arc like Noah. I won’t be able to catch two of every species but I can grab a couple squirrels, a couple rabbits, and my dog. I’ll call my old girlfriend, she can’t swim. She might like to spend some time with me rather than perish in the deep water. I think we are too old to repopulate mankind, but after a long voyage watching rabbits she might want to get cozy. I will bring plenty of food including a large bag of potato chips, and some frozen burritos. We will need hot food so I will bring my microwave. When the waters recede I hope we end up in Monte Carlo, not Cleveland.