Winter Blues Mania

You might yell “eat shit and shut the hell up!” after a year of trying hard to make her care for you when you know she doesn’t like you.  You might be thinking she will have a nasty backlash.

You might walk the dogs, not to the usual closest grass patch to sniff and poop then back in the house, but on the longest walk ever, not wanting to stop an hour later, the dogs yanking you to the back door.

These are two examples of how I and many others suffer from mania in the middle of winter.  When spring comes, this surge of energy can cause your rise or your fall.  Know what it can do and be careful.

she told the police

My best friend told the police I beat her. They came to confiscate my guns. I loved her. I took care of her when she fell in the parking lot of the East street coffee shop and broke her wrist.  I told them I had a BB gun.  They left papers which she wrote and signed that I threw her down the stairs.  She left in the Chevy  Cruize I had co-signed a loan on. It took three months , lots of money and a Good Lawyer to rectify the situation.  I loved her.

Depression go away

No Depression go away

I need to see the light of day

Sadness can have a grip on me

My own thoughts can set me free

Time is short I can’t waste it

Live my life as I see fit

I won’t let things get me down

Stop my bad thoughts from hanging around

No depression go away

I need to see the light of day

 

Think Good Thoughts

Nothing terrible is ever going to happen to me.

I will be totally healthy until I die.

I will go to heaven.

I will always be incredibly happy.

There is no time like the present to start thinking positive.

If I Only had a kidney

When a mans an empty kettle

He should be on his mettle

and yet I’m torn apart.

Just because I’m presumin

That I could be human

If I only had a kidney.

I’d be tender I’d be gentle

and awful sentimental

regarding love and art.

I’d be friends with the sparrows

and the boy who shoots the arrows,

If I only had a kidney.

Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion

and really feel the part

I could stay young and chipper

and I’d lock it with a zipper

If I only had a kidney

Surviving Life

The needles are turning my once perfect arm into a freakish, deformed, bumpy scar.  The constant increased blood flow to that part of my body is hurting blood flow to my brain and other important organs.  After a treatment my thinking is fuzzy.  Then a puff of the medicinal and I don’t care anymore until morning.

Experimental Happiness

Yoga, meditation, and acupuncture didn’t do much for me.  Deep breathing did give me a short dizzy buzz.  For the last eight months, fatigue, both physical and mental, has put a dark cloud of doom over me.  It just so happens that eight months ago I quit smoking marijuana too.  I experimented again and found myself dancing in the kitchen.  I was really shaking my booty. The dark cloud blew away. I found myself laughing at something stupid.  I thought about sex and how being alone never stopped me.

I have relied on an old friend. I’m so happy it helped me.

Stick Me

Tired black men and senior citizens in wheelchairs all looking very drained.   These are my Dialysis clinic buddies.

“Mr. Lebherz, I’m going to stick you today.”  The technician is ready to go. She pushes two needles into my arm.  They are the size of small nails with tubes attached.  The cleaning process has started.  I sit for the next four hours.  Four hours of reading, television, and looking around the room at my buddies who look like they are ready to pass out or kick the bucket.

Take care of your kidneys.

How’s the writing going?

My niece/web editor asks me almost everyday, how’s the writing going, got anything good to post?

But, I haven’t felt like writing lately–I sit and stare at my pens and tablets, and then I go see what my new roommate is up to.

From going vegetarian, I’ve lost so much weight that my scale doesn’t know what to say.  When I step on, it used to tell me “One at a time, please,” but now it asks, “Stephen?  Is that you?”  I never thought I would miss its fat jokes.

What do you do to keep writing when you don’t feel like you have anything good to say?  How do you get back into writing when you’ve gotten out of your routine?

Winter is Coming

One winter many years ago, I put a noose around my neck and stepped off a chair.
My weight snapped the thin rope almost immediately, but not before the pipe it was tied to pulled out of the ceiling and sprung a leak. Somehow I had scraped my wrist. A bead of blood came out of the scratch, and I put a Band-Aid on it–with antiseptic.
Boy! Did that sting!

As winter approaches, my good mood deteriorates and here I am again thinking, get the rope out.
But, I know from experience– I can’t do it.
I’m chicken, and I can’t afford the plumbing bill.
Spring will return. Carry on.