Bring me a woman, Lord.

Why me, Lord?
I am fifty-five years old, and I have no wife and no children.
I now realize that holding out for a beautiful woman with big breasts was a big mistake.
Lord, at my age I would settle for any women with two nipples. Three nipples would be fine too.
She can have a short beard, be mentally ill, or even a yeast infection. I’ll work it out, lord.

I’m ready.
I’m going to start praying next week, Lord. I may go to church.
I used to get some of my best sleep in church. I know they do a lot of kneeling in church, and I already have knee pads.

Bring me a woman, Lord.
I will take good care of her. I would run her bath, massage her feet,
and take her to the pub on cheap wing night.
I don’t even care if she’s lousy in bed.
I’m not as good in bed as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was.

Lord, we would always be together, and, if anybody asks why she is always with me,
I’ll tell them straight out, “She is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

Just joking, Lord.
I have loved children for almost an hour once. Give me some kids, Lord, and, maybe if they are my own, I could learn to love them longer. I’ve always thought the best part about kids was trying to make one. I see differently now.
Please help me, Lord.
And, if there is anything I can do for you, just drop me an e-mail.